I just wanna be beautiful.

Sometimes Christmas is more work than play.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.

I give up.

And I even told myself that I would not have an agenda today.
That way I couldn't possibly be disappointed.
I just want it to go back to how it used to be.

Every time. It's the same feeling.

What a Christmas!

It took me a little bit longer to fall asleep last night. I had lyrics running over and over again in my head.
These last few days have been a whirlwind of recording, singing, praying, singing some more, playing piano, listening to the tracks, brainstorming ideas, drinking water, singing some more, adding harmonies, fixing 'mistakes', and putting together a compilation of the songs I've been writing since the spring of 2007.

We ended up finishing everything on that list in the previous post. We started at 11am and finished somewhere close to 6pm.

This album is actually a dream come true. It's a testimony to God's faithfulness in my life. It's a composition of my deepest emotions and creativity.

At the beginning of this year I wrote down a list of dreams that I wanted to see God accomplish in my life this year.

In regards to this particular dream, I bravely wrote:

"I want time, strength, ability, and resource to record my songs. I would even further say that I want to do it professionally."

In January, I had no idea how and if God could EVER accomplish this dream. But he came through. And look where I am now.

I went into this weekend with a sore throat and the beginnings of a cold. I would like to say that I trusted God to heal me by the time Monday came, but I'm not as trusting as I like to think I am.
It's easy to trust God when everything is going great, but as soon as something goes wrong, It's as if I want to do everything myself.

I worried and wanted to keep everything under my own control. My parents, who like to tell me straight up when I'm not trusting God, thankfully kept me in check and encouraged me through the weekend. On Monday, my sore throat was basically gone, but I was still stuffed up, and slightly apprehensive about how much I would be able to sing that day.

I was hoping, at best, to lay down 3 maybe 4 songs. I ended up recording 9 of the 11 songs on the CD. My voice did not fail me. In fact I was able to reach all of the difficult notes, and recorded some great stuff. I credit that to God. Completely.

This recording is a testimony. It's a reminder that I can't do it alone. On Monday, I needed God to come through for me in order to sing, and He did.

Anyways, the album is coming out in April. There's still a ton of work to do until then. I hope that everyone will join me at the concert. I'll keep you updated.

Kirstyn.

Yup yup, started recording today.

I'm utterly exhausted.
I feel like I want to curl up in front of the TV and watch a Christmas movie.

I spent the entire day recording my album.
And all in the midst of an "almost-over" cold.

We ended up recording nine of the eleven songs that I plan on putting on the CD.
Some of them we laid down with only one take, some we had to record several times before we got a good one.

Tomorrow, the schedule is:

Record the last 2 songs.
Fix up any blips.
Record harmony.

This is exhilarating. And exhausting. And exciting.

K

Yea, I'm gonna be ok.

So, everyone got their wish. It was a snow day!

I applied for University today.
It's nerve wracking in a relieving sort of way. If that makes any sense.

I honestly wonder sometimes what it would be like to be a procrastinator. I wonder what it feels like to not care about your grades, or to not put effort into a project. I wonder what it's like to not be on task, and what it would be like to never freak out about getting below and 80% on a test.

I guess I wonder because all of those things are TOTALLY opposite from me. It just is simply the way I am.

This week has been an extremely busy one. I finished my math test on Wednesday, wrote my Bio test this afternoon, and tomorrow I technically have one more day of school before the Christmas break. Everyone in their right mind is wishing their butt's off for a snow day tomorrow. Nobody wants to go to school.

And to be honest with you. I don't plan on going at all. Regardless of the arrival of a snow day or not. I just can't picture myself spending 2 hours on a yellow school bus trudging through the 10-15 cm of freshly fallen snow we're supposed to get tomorrow.

I have to actually tell myself that it is ok to miss a day of school.
Kirstyn, it is ok to miss a day of school.

So here is the official "List of Things to do during Christmas Break"

• Apply for University.
• Apply for the French 'Explore' program for this upcoming summer.
• Finish any leftover homework.
• Study for exams?? Not sure if that will EVER happen (even in the midst of my 'on-task' personality)

And finally, and definitely the most significant of them all:

RECORD MY DEBUT ALBUM!

Yea, pretty much. I am officially and professionally recording a CD on Monday and Tuesday of this upcoming week.

K

I have had it up to here ...*swipes hand over head in quick motion*.... with Biology 12U!

Never alone

I keep coming back here. Hoping that I'll have something inspiring to write.
But I don't.
I could say that time is flying so fast. Too fast? I can't tell.
I could say that I'm in the process of recording an album.
I could say that school seems to take up all my time.
I could say that sometimes I'm infatuated with someone simply because they're the only one around.
I could say that I'm about to apply for University.
I could say ...

And sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my own little world. Because I am. I don't want to say that it's inevitable.

I want to go a little deeper than where I've been the last few weeks.
And for one of the first times, it seems hard to do that.
Slow down.
I know.
Is there time to slow down?
And if I find there is time... I'm just hearing silence.
When I want to hear Your voice....
...Again.

K

Just when I thought you weren't saying a word

I want to fix my eyes on what is true and holy
I want to fix my eyes on you and all your glory
All of this could pass away and still I'd coming running into your open arms
You are who you say you are.

And, tonight my song becomes my prayer.

Because I realized that I've been trying to save myself.

But, I need you.

Badly.

A Year of Change

And I remember the list I wrote in the month of January
Of dreams that I was trusting you with.
Tears were spent, prayers were said, my heart poured out.

And I didn't know if you'd answer them.
And I didn't know how you'd answer them if you did.
And I didn't know when.

And you promised me back in the month of March
That this would be a year of change.

It's been more than I could have ever expected.
Every one of those dreams has been addressed in on way or another

And when January rolls around again.
I will sit down again.
And new tears will fall, new prayers will be said, new desires will be poured out.
As I write down a new list.
And I'll post it up on my wall.
And then we'll go through another year with me trusting you.
And you being faithful.

It's an adventure that I love being on with you.
K

And these emotions.
They're always right there, touching the tips of your fingers.
Don't suppress them, you're allowed to feel.
As long as you don't grab them and hold on for dear life.

What is there exactly to say about my life this evening?

For someone who sings, I think it's strange that I can't whistle for my life.
Sure, I can make a noise, but it's full of air, and I can't hold a tune.

The clouds are gray outside, and the trees are naked. All their leaves have abandoned them and they're left to deal with the harsh winter air. It makes me want to hide in my house and never leave.

I wonder if I'm still hidden.

I have.

Humiliated in basketball. Frustrated in math. Tired from homework.
Today was rough.
Tomorrow's a new day though.
That makes me smile a little.

Have you ever played a song you wrote for someone, in front of that someone without them knowing? I have. It's a liberating feeling.
It's like wind in your face on a beautiful fall day.

It's warm enough outside that I can be sitting here in a T-shirt, have my window open, and not be shivering.
They call it Indian summer.
Not sure why.
But I expect that as soon as this warm week is over, that snow will come by the foot.
Euh. I'm not ready for snow.

I hate it when people misunderstand you for being rude, when you really didn't mean to.
I hate it when people assume things about you and expect you to explain your actions.
To certain people, I hate being vulnerable.

However, I've been on the flip side of those three things and I'm sure those people didn't enjoy it that much either.

K

I don't have to fear anymore,
For you are with me.

The heart.
Is something to be cherished.
To be guarded.
To be upheld.
To be loved.
And to love.

It needs to be developed.
It learns.
It hurts.
It heals.

So, this season. It's about the heart.
The father heart of God.
My heart.
Your heart.
Let's not fall in love with being in love.
Instead let's search for lasting love.
For real love.
That selfless kind of love.
It's a promise.
It's an inheritance.

K

Plain and simple truth.

If I never had seasons in my life where I feel far from God.
Then I would never be able to appreciate the intimacy of his presence when I do feel close to him.

- I don't know if I completely agree with I just said, but that is the only way to explain it right now-

Of course, feeling can't dictate my relationship with God.
So when I can't feel him, I hold on to the fact that I know he never leaves me.
And that's that.

Because I need more than autumn leaves crunching under my feet.
And I need more than your arm linked in mine.
I need more than city lights telling me what to feel.
Let's not fall in love with being in love.

Sometimes life seems so meaningless.
This coming from someone who believes in Jesus Christ.
I don't mean life as a whole.
I mean individual days, certain events, seasons in life.

Quebec City

I realized a lot of things this week.
I realized that I love French, that's it's beautiful, and that it's incredibly difficult.
If people give me a chance and don't switch to English right away, then I can communicate what I want to say.

I realized that I have a good head on my shoulders.
I found out that I can control my emotions, but that to do so is also incredibly difficult.
Sometimes I wish that I had a hand to hold. I wish that I had someone with whom I could walk down the boardwalk by the St. Lawrence River.
But then I remind myself, "Not yet."
I take a deep breath.
Say a little prayer of trust.
Knowing that what He wants is better than what I want.
And then I join my friends again.
And we laugh.
And I know He's placed me in this place right now for a reason.
It just takes a second to remember that sometimes.

K

Where has the passion gone?

My Oma told me to be thankful that I have the privilege of being in school.
I know she's right.
I don't feel that she's right though.

I've got too much to do to have a life.

So what I say.
So what to you.
So what to rules.

Never mind to transition years.
To busy life.
To midnight hours.

To floating by
through the minutes,
through the days,

With nothing to distinguish them,

You say we are caught up.
In grades.
In school.

But who was it that conditioned us to be this way?
It was you.
As the work gets harder.
It was you.
And so we work,
and days blend together,
But can you blame us?

I think not.

I am (bah. bah. da. bap. *) feeling better!!

* Just a little song I'm singing in my head :)

I finished reading Pride and Prejudice today. Then I watched the movie. Sometimes they quote Jane Austen directly, other times they cut out immense parts of the book for lack of time. And still other times they add in scenes simply for romantic interest. My favourite scene is the very last one for sure. And it's not even in the book.

Feeling sick must go hand in hand with feeling unattractive.
I am utterly exhausted and wanting very much to feel better.
I had to cancel plans today that were a long time coming just because of this stupid cold.

It's funny to think that I won't 'belong' until I'm older.
But that's what my reality is, or at least it feels that way.
I go to a young adults church, of which I am probably the youngest. By a few years.
I've been going for a year now.
Is it wrong to say that I still feel like I don't belong?

Everyone's been talking about 'the church' and the 'body of Christ' lately. How important it is. How great it is. How passionate God is about it.
And yea, church is great. The worship is good. The message is good. ButI feel that there is a disconnect between fellowship and me.

What I picture when I think about the 'body of Christ' is intense fellowship with other believers that build you up, encourage you, share their heart with you, have time for you, and genuinely want to form friendship with you. I guess that I haven't been finding much of that at church. I thought I had found it, but somehow I don't think that anymore.

I'm just confused. What do you have to do to belong to a church? I've tried it at least 5 times. My dad is a pastor. About 9 years ago he started a church. We have church in my basement with about 20 other people every Sunday. It's a great congregation, but there is no youth group. So I've spent the last years going to different churches to find a youth group. I've found one, finally. But let me tell you that it is not easy to go into a church where nobody knows you and just join a program there. It takes hard work to develop friendships. And sometimes nothing ever comes of it. Sometimes you just don't connect with anybody.

I'm really wondering why that is. We seem to have worship down. We seem to know how to say all the right words during the message. But nobody, including me, wants to venture out and make new friends at church. It's easier to stick with the people we've known since we were born. Well, I've never had a lifelong church like that before. And sometimes I get really tired of trying so hard to belong. Sure I meet Jesus at church. Sure I can sense his presence. But I'm still not sure, after a year of going to this new young adults church if I've met one person that I could phone up during the week and say, "Hey, what are you up to? How's life? Let's get together and chat."

I think it's because I'm only 17.
Are my expectations too high?

I'm tired.

K

People say you shouldn't put on appearances.
People say.
People do?

Is it right to spy on a kiss?

Cold Lemonade in a plastic cup. A ginger cookie with sugar sprinkled on top. Cobblestone buildings and brick roads. The aroma of character. The diversity of people capturing moments with their Canon camera. A dove strutting around the coffee tables outside in the sun. My arm feeling hot against its rays. Couples, in love. Holding hands... Kissing...right outside the authentic coffee shop... ugh...PDA so not cool.


A bride to be. A party being planned. An organized wedding planner that happens to be related to me. Art set up in white tents. Expensive art. A girl artist in a long flowy skirt, it's ripped and looks old. A 15 year old boy having coffee with his dad. Summer dresses. Every kind, not every one is flattering. Most are. Younger women with older dates. High heels on pavement. Melting gelato with miny spoons. Dogs drinking water out of dog dishes. Bike riders carrying helmets. Busy. The most beautiful earrings I've ever seen. A store dedicated to chocolate. A salad dish my mom wants for her birthday. Egyptian sandals, big sunglasses. Shoe sculpture, and colourful mural. People eating in expensive restaurants, and drinking alcohol.

Real life is interesting.
I went to the Distillery district today, because my other plans got cancelled.

I have many things to say, but no clue how to say them. I'll be back as soon as I figure out how to articulate myself.

I feel exactly the opposite from my blog name.
I feel like I'm falling into, rather than breaking free from.
Church to me right now seems like it has lost all of its passion.
We're in a rut. And I'm exhausted. I have no idea what to do about it.

Pulling pranks at 3:30 in the morning is my definition of summer.

It takes hard work to trust God sometimes.
This time is a sometime.

I'm an 'I-need-information' kind of person.
The more I have.
The better I feel.
The more control I have, or I feel I have over the situation.
The less I need to trust God.

I'd like to say that I am the kind of person that goes straight to God with every single thing in my life. But sometimes I feel as though I can handle the situations in my life by myself. I only feel this way for a few days before I realize it would be way better just to let God handle it.

It's not easy though.
Yea, this time is definitely a sometime.

Also, I found out this week that dumb teenage boys do eventually grow up. Or some of them do. It takes about a decade though.
So there's hope for my future husband. Where ever he is.

Come and change the way I think.

I'm done. Completely finished. Today was my last day of work.
It feels strange because it went so incredibly fast, especially the last two weeks.
I worked for 7 weeks. And if 7 weeks are over and done with then that must mean that school is creeping around the corner of my summer.

It didn't really feel like summer vacation this year. Maybe it's because this year we broke the record for the most rainfall in one summer. Maybe it's because this was the first summer that I had an official job.

I told a little boy that I teach, named Jonathon, that this was my last day at camp. He thought about it for a while, and then he came back up, gave me a big hug, and said, "I'm going to miss you a lot!"

Well, summer isn't over yet. Two more weeks. I plan on enjoying every day. But when it is over, I'll be ready.

This summer's different that way.

Newsflash.

Have you ever analyzed your own behaviour, found out why you're doing exactly what you're doing, and then kept doing it? Even if you know better?

Nobody wants to be alone.

I have three more days of work and then I'm done.
An entire 7 weeks of swimming lessons, and lifeguarding. I figured it out. I worked exactly 33 days. When I put it that way, it doesn't seem like a lot.

---------

Can I be honest?
I've had three people that I don't know very well ask me if I have a boyfriend over the span of a week and a half. They were just trying to make light conversation, but that question really doesn't lead to much considering that I can't give people the answer they want to hear. I pretty much just say no. And then we have to find another topic of conversation to talk about.

I really couldn't be romantically interested in someone that I don't see face to face on a regular basis. The whole long-distance, emailing, facebook flirting, cyber relationship thing really turns me off. It gets old pretty fast. It just doesn't seem real to me. I'm sure it works for other people though.

--------

I'm actually crossing off the days on my calendar until Friday. Only three more X's to go.

--------

I don't really have anything more interesting to share.

K

Bethel.

There's certain charm in a place you grew up in.
A place you go every summer.
A place with friends you see every year.
Outside. Away from cell phones, internet, and cable T.V.
A place to wind down. To not have to worry about work, or school, or anything at all.
And sometimes I forget how much I love it.
You may not see the charm.
But I do.
Because I grew up there.

I'm out of poetic phrases.

I spend time reading other people's blogs. It makes me realize even more that my words on this blog are not eloquent or sophisticated. I can't spell. My grammar is atrocious.

It makes me wonder, how can I feel so limited when writing on a blog and feel so at home when writing lyrics by my piano? It's beyond me.

Newsflash: for those of you who have refused to believe it, being smart is gold. Good grades get you money. So, yea, when the time comes I'll flash around my 97% on a test if that means they'll pay my way through school come graduation.

Hehe, I think I know where I want to go to University. Isn't that exciting?

K

You may not think it's much, but from where I'm standing it looks amazing.

I always seem to write better when I have music playing in the background. Today there is no music in the background. Don't really know why, just wanted some silence.

As usual there are a million different thoughts running through my head. Only a few I feel like sharing.

What is the point of Ezekiel? I mean the book in the bible. I'm reading it, and finding it incredibly tedious. Basically what I've gotten so far is that God is sending all these messages through Ezekiel to the nation of Israel. God wants them to turn from their wickedness lest he destroy them. I'm not done the book yet, and I'm wondering if it just goes on the same way or if it drastically changes at the end. I'm not sure.

I'll let you know. Or you can read it yourself if you want.

K

The Pursuit of Teen Girl Purity

Check out this Time Magazine article. I think these celebrations are really unique and special in today's culture.

"I don't feel like I need to seek a man. I will be found."

What do you think?

K

Also, the future seems a little bit more real now than it did a week ago.*

*That's a good thing.

It's dark outside.

It's hard to figure out how I relate to the world as a 17 year old daughter of God.
And I'm finding that in the real world I stick out like a sore thumb as a Christian.
But not simply just a Christian, but a girl that is passionate about what she believes.
My entire mindset and lifestyle is different than the people around me.

I like to think that I make people think.
But I think I'd rather stick out than blend in.

K

Trust.

I finally have time again.
I have time to paint.
I have time to read.
I have time to do my nails.
I have time to play basketball for an hour if I want.
I have time to catch up on my scrapbooking.
I have time.
And that is something I haven't had in a long time.

There's really no way to reach me.

Have you ever had it where you feel that a random stranger keeps on glancing your way. And so you look back only to see if they're still staring. Then all of a sudden it becomes this awkward game that you're both playing. Trying to be coy. When really it's just all in your head. That happened to me today. I'm not making much of it.

What else is there to write?
This summer looks a lot different.
Sometimes it's lonely being 17.

At the same time. I don't want to wish away my life.
Hoping to be a year older; two even.
I guess it's just because I'm surrounded by people that are older than me.
It seems to be the story of my summer.

I'm enjoying my job though!

My nose is sunburned.

My first week of work has come to an end. I must say that Friday ran MUCH smoother than Tuesday did. By this time I know what all my classes are, and which kids (first and last names) are in each of my classes. Well, not all of the last names, but we're close. The 3 and a half hours of instructing in the pool in the morning is seeming shorter and more bearable than it did the first day. I'm getting to know the swim staff I work with. We laugh a lot. And I'm getting tanned.

It's not all hunky dory though. Some of the kids I teach are not in the right level. We as swim staff however, can do nothing about this. We can do nothing because the parents of the kids at the camp would get upset if we demote their kid four levels because they can't do front crawl. Demoting them, however, would teach them more and would be more safe in the long run. So I'm stuck teaching my level 4's front glides instead of front crawl and making sure my level 5's don't sink. It's a little bit messy, but at least we have a lot to do.

Anyways, I'm enjoying myself. I really do enjoy teaching swimming.

----------------------------------------

I've discovered that summer is about doing things you enjoy that you would never have time to do during the year. Like painting. Or going to Marble Slab. Or watching 2 episodes What not to Wear in a row. Or getting a tan.

Person with the best tan is swim staff of the summer!

I'm currently watching Canada Day fireworks from my computer room window while my eyes slowly droop closed. I can hear the 'pop's' even from this distance. I'm exhausted. First day of work today.

This summer I'm working at a summer day camp at a country club as a swimming instructor/lifeguard. I got to work this morning at the required time, 8:45, still unaware of what classes I was teaching come 9:20 a.m. The lists were still being put together. So the other 12 swim staff and myself frantically tried to figure out which kids were in which level for the next 4 hours or so. It didn't run smoothly, but we did a decent job for the information we started with. A few times the kids didn't even get into the water for more than 5 minutes. After 50 kids arrive five minutes late, have to still lay their towels out and take off their shoes and socks, and then figure out what instructor they're with, you can imagine that 30 minutes is practically done.

After our morning instructional my friends and I went down to the center of camp to have our lunch break, only to find out that we had to go straight to the indoor pool and start guarding because the youngest kids had already finished their lunches. We spent the next few hours chaotically guarding hundreds of kids at a play swim. To top it all off, near the end of the day, one of the kids made a floater in the pool. I got picked up at 4p.m., came home, showered, and headed off to family dinner at my grandparents. Right now, I've eaten so much good food I feel like I'm going to explode; that and I'm so tired.

This is my summer. Tomorrow will run smoother. I know it.
I'm going to sleep.

Kirstyn

Twenty-four Seven

Last night I had an amazing opportunity to lead worship at a church up in Burlington. This church is called Twenty-four seven, and its held in a building that used to be a nightclub but has been transformed into an amazing ministry.

Anyways, I got to sing in their worship band for their Sunday night service yesterday. And during the worship I also got a chance to play my song 'Oxygen'.

It's cool for me to see how a song I wrote responding to a tough situation in my life can relate to people and what they're going through. It can minister to them in a way I never planned on. It's awesome. God is awesome.

K

I'm just a little fond of you.

I seem to be in a perpetual state of writing these days; writing songs that is.
They seem to be getting harder and harder to write.
When I was young, I was able to spew out a song in like 45 min flat. One sitting max. They also weren't very good back then. But it's all in the journey.
Now, it seems that I always have a song that I'm working on. At this moment I even have two.

Sometimes my songs are really spirit led. By that I mean, they are influenced and anointed by the Holy Spirit. The emotion and passion come from somewhere deep down in my spirit. But at the moment it feels like I'm writing one that is totally just on the surface. It's concerning a matter that I've already let God deal with. It has more to do with my soul, and what I'm feeling in the moment, rather than the truth of who God says I am. But I'm still drawn to it.

I'm not making much sense at the moment. Oh well.

Anyways, It makes me second guess whether it's really healthy for me to be writing it. But it still makes good music. That's all I'm saying.

Many times, I'm writing a song and in my mind I'm thinking, I am never playing this song in public. It's too personal, or too misunderstood, or too crazy, or too whatever. The funny thing is that God always seems to take whatever music I write, for whatever reason, and turn it into something beautiful that has a way of touching other people's hearts. Hehe, and a song that I never intended to be played for an audience all the sudden is one that I play most often for people. Because they relate to it. It helps people understand their own situation. And that is one of the reasons that I love this.

P.S. Music is so much easier to write at nighttime in semi-darkness. That way I can just wail away in the atmosphere of the moment.

One year.

So it's been a year since I left for Germany. Which is a little sad for me.
I remember that I blogged a lot while I was over there. I wonder if I blogged about my day-in, day-out summer job that it would be nearly as exciting. Probably not. But I think i still might. It's hard for a summer to live up to the kind of one I had last year. Regardless, I'm excited for the summer.

K

So glad that I won't be sitting around doing nothing this summer

Seems to me that good hair days always happen when you spend your entire day at home.
I like feeling pretty.
Not for you.
For me.
I bought a pair of green shorts today.

Will you be my lover?

How do we know how to love?
Personally, I think that we would not know how to if we were not loved in the first place.
I think that without the perfect love of the Father that we would be incapable of love. Whether we realize it or not, His love compels us to love.

And even if we realize that He loves us. Can we ever know how fully, deeply, and passionately He does? What if we were just satisfied with, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so." I know I'm not. I don't want to know that I'm loved simply because I read it in scripture. I want to know that Jesus loves me through revelation from the Father; through intimate personal relationship with Him.

It makes me wonder then. I know I'm capable of love. I know that I love my family. I know that I love my friends. I know that I can love a man that will eventually come into my life. But there is a difference between love that comes from us as humans, a love that comes through us from the Father. I want to be able to love in a way that the Father does. Love my family, my friends, and my future husband in a way that isn't selfish, that isn't self-serving, but stems from the love that made us capable to love. It'll take time, if not the rest of my life to even come close to learning and experiencing this kind of love from the father.

But it's a good thing.
Because, how can we ever be lovers, if we don't even understand real, passionate, and unconditional love?

Let's forget the 'to-do' list

The sky captivates me.
I think we all secretly wish we could fly.

Let's just be done.

Closure is important.
I think that I am a person that needs closure in pretty much everything.
Whether it be a friendship, a graduation, or a show there is always one very specific point where accept that something is ending and then from that moment on I'm fine. I can forget about it; move on.
Without that moment, everything in life just ends up hanging around in mid air. Nothing is finished, nothing is put away. It's chaos.
Change is only good if you have closure to what is ending. It's the old idea that you have to throw out a pair of old shoes every time you get a new pair. (I never end up doing that, but you get the idea) In order for something new to come, the old must go.
That's what I think.

I am a Queen

Ok God, I get it. I'm hidden.

Show me what it means.

Show me how to embrace it.

Show me how much you love me.

I want to glow.

This is next year.

So I got my schedule for my Gr. 12 year. I got into every course that I wanted, including drama! (That was a close one) And surprisingly, among all of the math, science and French courses I'm taking, I'm ecstatic about next year. It's going to be busy. That's inevitable, but it's going to be great. I'm excited for calculus. Isn't that weird, that I'm excited for calculus!? After taking Gr. 10 math I remember telling myself that as soon as I didn't have to take math anymore, I wouldn't. And here I am, taking two maths. Anyways, here's what I'm taking:

Philosophy
Biology
French
Advanced Functions
Calculus
Spare
English
Drama

It's going to be a great year.

K

Now

I think I'm not blogging as much lately because this ugly blue background on my blog does NOT leave much scope for the imagination. I have been trying to convince my brother to find the time to redo it for me, but as of yet he has not found the time.

I'm finding that 17 is a really awkward year. It feels like I'm neither here nor there in anything. Somehow in school it feels as though you're at the top. There is this fake imaginary crown that the Gr. 11's and 12's wear and you feel like you're finally getting somewhere important in life. Grades start counting, you start working towards getting your license, you get a job, you look into universities.

But really it's all relative, because as soon as you go out to your job or out to your young people's church, or out anywhere you realize you're still at the bottom working your way up. Here I am the 17 year old still in school in June when the university students got out in April. Here I am the 17 year old who still can't find the time to get my G2.

Yet somehow, if I had the chance, I wouldn't skip ahead. As awkward as it seems sometimes, life is good.

This post seems incredibly juvenile and I really just want to save it as a draft, but I won't.

Here's the deal.
If I were to skip ahead now, I'd miss out on so many promises and things that God has this year of being 17.

K -

I'm just a little fond of you

Once again, it seems that I have many things to say, and just no way to say them.
I wonder if God smiles at my naivety.

I've been pretty quiet today.
Both my parents are off at a wedding, and my brother has been in and out during the day.
Consequently, I've been here. Inside my house. Thinking and working on French homework all day.
I haven't gone outside. It's sunny and I figure that I got enough sun yesterday at wonderland. My head is still slightly nauseous.
I made three sock puppets today for my French summative. It took longer than expected.

I think I need the school year to end for more than one reason.
The future is uncertain. As it should be.
I also need to get my drivers license. Real bad

Let's be done.

It hit me this morning. I'm ready for summer vacation. Or I guess this summer, I'm ready for work. I'm ready to be done assignments, exams, projects and all that. I'm ready for a break from constant people in the halls all day long.

Anyways,
Get this.

God is not a God of limitations, but one of opportunity.

K

Thousands in the red, and it doesn't stop me.

So, I asked God if He can compete with $200 000 today.

Compete is the wrong word though. As if He EVER has to compete.

I should have asked, "So God, what do you have next for me?"

Money, or lack there of, can't stop him.

Stop calling me names.

Who says that just because I find that I'm good at one specific thing that I have to pursue that 100%. Who says that that has to be my one specific calling.

I can do whatever the heck I want with my life.

Who says that I can't combine them all.

Don't put a box around me.

Someone subtly told me that people with great talent also have great responsibility. It ticked me off. The compliment turned into expectation.

The show was a thrill.
It's over now.
That's the thing with the theater,
you put so much work into it and then it ends so quickly.

Was it worth it you ask?
Definitely.

I don't think anything is worth doing unless you give it you're all.
How then will you ever discover your potential?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard to say no to someone you respect so much.
It's easy for someone you don't like.
It's important to take care of your heart.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard that its done.
But I'm ok with change.
Life goes on.
Good things go, good things come.
It's about enjoying every minute, reveling in it, and then when its over, it's over.

My heart is burning with passion

Maybe it's just me, but generally I like to believe that it's not.

We all have times during our lives where God is trying to teach us something. Where He's trying to speak to us, stretch us, and make us more into the daughter or son that He wants us to be.

I'm DEFINATELY in one of those phases.

I just have no idea where He's going to take me yet. Which is generally the story of faith.

--

I don't understand unconditional love. I believe in it. I know that Jesus loves me unconditionally. It's a beautiful thing. But I can't comprehend it.

When I first got cast as Nina in 'The Seagull' I felt like I had nothing in common with her. It felt like Her and I were completely different in every way. Which was an exciting challenge.

Now, after taking on that challenge I am seeing that Her and I are incredibly similar.
It took me a while to realize, but The Seagull is all about this unconditional love that I am trying so hard to understand. I see Jesus written all over the show. I'm 'jumping-out-of-my- seat' excited to perform it.

K

In order to live up to the adventure

1. Start painting again.
2. Get G2.
3. Learn how to drive stick.
4. Fill out my recipe book by learning how to cook.
5. Allow Mom to teach me how to sow.
6. Write a letter to wonderful friend in Quebec.
7. Work.
8. Read.
9. Plan perfect prank for youth camp.
10. Go to Hillsong United conference.
11. Go to Brampton and see Kristen.
12. Hang out with brother downtown.
13. Buy new Chucks.

.....

What if we weren't poetic at all?
Can I call myself fluent in English if I probably don't even use or know the meaning of at least half of the words?
Can I really deny a walk with a good friend on a blue sky spring day?
What would it be like if I didn't justify myself after doing something wrong? Wasn't that what Jesus was did? Not that I want to be "like" Jesus. I want him to live in me. Our relationship is not set on responsibility but the ability to respond*. It's dynamic; living.

What if I'm so done with being busy?

We've been conditioned to reject passion.
Don't be radical about anything they tell us.
WHY NOT ??!
Jesus was the most radical person ever.
Political correctness really bothers me. So does money, and constant advertisements.
My brother says that last one is just a stage though.

* Read The Shack

How do they do it?

How do they sign their life away at 19 with a diamond ring?
How do they date someone after knowing them for just 2 weeks?
How can they possibly know who they are yet?
How can they put themselves in a box?
It's beyond me.

To think that people get married at 19 is crazy for me to think about.
Probably because at 19 I still won't have had a serious relationship.
I guess there are always exceptions to the rule.
But still.

p.s. I can check Theory: Gr. 2 Rudiments off the list. But I still don't know what 'poca a poca stringendo' means.

How does life pass so quickly
When time passes at the same time all the time?
How can a moment go either so slowly as if the clock has really stopped, when other moments pass by like the speed of light.

Time is a mystery to me.

If i didn't have Jesus, life would be utterly unsatisfying and boring.

That's Life

I'm trying to take on a new kind of attitude.
I used to be way to uptight about everything.
Worried.
Stressed. You name it.

But I figure Proverbs 3:5 is there for a reason. That whole Choral Fest 'King Jesus is a listenin' ' message really stuck with me.
'If you're going to pray about something, then quit worrying about it. But if you're choosing to worry, don't bother praying.'

Life happens. It's not generally 'normal' and it doesn't generally go as planned. But make the best of it knowing that you're loved by Jesus...

I love Jesus...

So much.

On another note: I have a wonderfully amazing family that I love with all my heart. I take my family for granted too often when really I should be thanking Jesus all day, every day for what a blessing He's given me.

Realizing that life happens however, is not easy. I've been tested so many times this past week It's not even funny. But I have favour. Jesus loves me.

Undiscovered - James Morrison

People are always asking me what I want to be when I grow up.
They're asking me if I want to 'make it big' someday.

What about being a singer/songwriter?
When is your CD coming out?
Why haven't you been discovered?

And all these voices are simply drowning out the only voice that is REALLY important for me to hear right now.

I've been told a a lot of different things by a lot of different people.

And they all want an answer to the same question.

The only answer I have to give is simply, That's not up to me.

If I told you that I didn't have dreams, it would be a lie. I have many dreams. In fact, at the beginning of this year I wrote down a list of 'Expectations for 2008' which is currently taped up onto my wall beside my bed so that I don't forget. They are not resolutions, and its not a "To-do-list". It's a prayer. And these aspirations aren't simply things that I want to accomplish. They are things that have been birthed in my spirit. They are big, scary, and some of them are, in my mind, close to impossible. They are dreams that God has placed in my heart; dreams that he has nurtured. And Him and I talk about them; often.

Today is May 1, and we are just over 4 months into the year, and already I can see some of those dreams coming to pass. God has placed certain people into my life, and given me certain opportunities to make those dreams come true. There's something about writing them down on a peace of paper.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no idea what God has in store for me.
But who's to say that I'm not discovered? Who's to say that I'm not found? I know the greatest love of all has been given to me.

And even when the voice of the deceiver tries to convince me that this is it. God doesn't have anything more for me. There is something down in the most intimate places of my spirit, a place that only God and I know that tells me, Kirstyn, I have great plans for you. And I hold onto that promise with all I am.

Let me just say this,

My primary goal is not to have a record deal, or to sing on a stage in front of millions of people. Because if that was the first thing on my list then it would be about me. And it's not. This gift is for Him.
The first thing on my list is to be used by the One that I love.
To influence the people around me.
To spread the spirit around.
To show His love in a way that only music can.
To be anointed.
To sing because my soul needs to.
And if that means I sing in front of millions of people or 'make it big' someday it'll be because He came first in my life.

And as I wrote on that list of expectations at the beginning of the year.

I am not afraid to dream big.

Especially when He's on my side.

Don't Flatter Me.

It seems like such a long time ago. Much longer than a year.
But a year it is; a year tomorrow.
Choral Fest.
It was epic.

I love it when God takes a situation and turns into something amazing.
He's got my back.
Flattery or not.

I'm over it.

My mind is busy.

Summer job applications.
Midterms for swimming lessons.
Got pay check today.
Money for laptop.
Money for University.
Summer French course next year.
American Idol on Tuesday.
Cell on Wednesday.
Prop shopping on Thursday.
Props are due on Monday.
Email teacher about park bench.
Find a Baha'i song.
Sudokus.
Read book.
Take pictures for yearbook.
French presentation on wednesday.
Interview on Saturday.
Interview on Monday.
Develop character for Nina.
Don't zone out when talking to friends.
Choral fest on Friday.
Find commics for cute book bought at Kensington Market.
I smell like chlorine.
Jesus, help me trust you.
James Morrison.
17 days left of school till the Seagull.
Ah!

So here's the deal.

I'm being avoided. Well, maybe not avoided, but definitely ignored. When I think about it though, it really doesn't peeve me much.

I'm going to Chinatown this weekend with my brother. I'm actually so excited. We're going to eat Chinese food.

I realized that I haven't written in my diary since last July.

But who needs a diary when you've got a blog, lyrics and friends to dish out all the stuff that's going on in your life. Is there really time to sit down and write in a diary? I wish.

Nobody ever writes hand-written letters anymore. That disappoints me.

Life is altogether too busy.

I'm also realizing just how true the statement "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." It pretty much applies to a lot of areas in my life.

There is a bird fluttering around in the eaves troff just outside my window.

I can't stop loving Jesus.

But when I come back to the heart of it all.
And remember how much You love me.
And let Your sweet words sing me to sleep.
It all drifts away.
And all that's left is just You and me.

If it hadn't been for theatre...

People sing about love.
Because love is powerful.
It's what makes the world go round.
It what makes me crazy about Jesus.
And from it stems laughter.
And tears.
And every other emotion.

I may be irritated with the lack of creativity playing on the radio.
But what can I say, we're all longing to be loved.
We're just searching for it in the wrong place.

...'Oxygen' would not have been on Youtube. Or would it have been?
I never know what experience a new song will spring out of.

Listening to: Undiscovered - James Morrison

Don't miss out on the Anime conference.

So, for the first time in my life I understood that being homeless does not define you.
I think I knew that before, but this is the first time that I actually processed the thought in my mind.
I spent six and a half hours talking and hanging out with people that were 'homeless'.
And I forgot.
I forgot about where I came from.
I forgot about my assumptions about where they came from.
We were just people.
My heart broke a little.
I got healed a little.
I threw those culture-fed stereotypes out the window.

It was the best community experience I've had in a long time.
Because if anybody has community, it's Sanctuary.

17.

It feels like Spring outside.
I played basketball today on my driveway.
It was excellent.
I read my book outside on a patio chair in only a sweatshirt.
I went for a walk, and didn't freeze my face off.
I drove home from London with the windows down.
Yup, it's definitely Springtime.

It's really refreshing to be around people that are diligent about keeping their word.

Thoughts...

Songs are always nicer when you know the story behind them.
What is a song if it doesn't have a message, if there's no emotion? It defeats the purpose of music altogether.

Trying to learn how not to give away the ending when acting; to live in the moment.
It's incredibly hard to be a character when you have no clue what they are thinking.
I really need to spend some quality time with Nina.

Well, thank goodness for creative expression...

We are addicted to passion.

This isn't just a 45 minute high.

Living a little dangerously for Jesus these days.
So finished with the old "Yay, let's love Jesus at church, but heaven forbid we bring it up with someone we don't know!!"

Getting into the Word these days.
Rediscovering my best friend.

Realizing distractions these days.
Trying to break myself of long-forgotten habits.

He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
There's no such thing as the 'He loves me not'-flower-petal-thing anymore.

I love him.

I'm willing to take risks.
I'm ready to listen a little more.
I'm willing to reorganize my schedule.
I want to be peter. I'm going to jump off the side of the boat and walk on water.

Charismatic

is a little peeved at a writer's craft article.

I am new.

I want to learn how to live with my spirit rather than with my soul.
To live in such a way where I accept the fullness of the gift that the resurrection brought.
I want to hear those whispers from Him constantly, instead of the feelings of my soul that so often get in the way.
There is no longer place for death.
No longer place for fear.
For sickness.
Lies.
How will I achieve this life in the spirit? Spending time with Jesus. He is passionately in love with me. And the more time I spend with him, the more and more I fall in love.
I want to be who He intended me to be.

Come and pursue me.

You are all this heart is beating for,
and You will always be
We don't want what the world gives anymore,
You are all we need

I'm Back

I returned from my wonderful and relaxing trip to Florida yesterday night, went to bed, and didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning.

Being disconnected from all communication (i.e. Facebook, MSN) for an entire week is a spectacular thing.

So, here's just to say that I had an amazing trip and that I am officially starting to blog again.

I'll be around.

K

I didn't think that I did. But I do.

I need some time away.
away from blogger.
away from facebook.
away from school.

I need some me and God time.
some time to talk.
some time to listen
some time to commit again and remember long forgotten promises.

I need some space from emotions.
to think things through.
to figure out where I stand.
to take control.

I need to breathe.
I need to rest.
Don't expect to hear from me until after march break.

Signing out,
Kirstyn

Should we risk it?

I think that people believe vulnerability is a good thing until they are actually in a situation where they've been stripped of all masks, facades, and stereotypes they hide behind. They think it's good until they've been in a situation where their emotions are raw and exposed. Then they start to realize that it's scary, and maybe not such a positive thing after all.
In spite of all of that, I still think vulnerability, although uncomfortable at times, is incredibly genuine.
And sometimes that is exactly what we all need.

The Lion

I can't get the image of Aslan out of my head.

I saw the trailer for Prince Caspian yesterday, the second of two Narnia movies that have been made so far.
In the trailer Aslan lets out this triumphant roar.
Whenever I think of Aslan I think of Jesus. And as crazy as it sounds, when I saw that lion up on the theater screen something within me wanted to shout out, "JESUS"
There is something in my spirit that automatically calls out. There's a dependency that needs Jesus.
Aslan represents everything that Jesus is. Strength. Protection. Love. Sacrifice. Gentleness. Righteousness. Peace.

I see Jesus as this beautiful majestic lion. This lion that is fierce and strong and protective. And at the same time, this Lion that is playful and quiet and loving.

That Lion Jesus gives me this overwhelming sense of peace. This knowing deep down in my spirit that understands nothing will ever harm me. I'm protected. No army, and no enemy (physical, emotional, spiritual) is going to take me from this refuge I find in Aslan; In Jesus

This is The Lion I love.

Kirstyn is fragile

I think sometimes I convince myself that I'm not scared of anything.
And sometimes its almost like I'm faking confidence when inside I'm worrying up a storm.
Let's just say that I am so glad for friends;
Friends to pray with.
A Brother to make things clear in my head again.
Life is fragile sometimes.
People are fragile sometimes.
I'm fragile sometimes.
And sometimes I get SO intimidated.
But I'm working on trusting in God. It's an everyday thing.

Listening to: Warning Sign - Coldplay

A lifetime of music summed up in...31 words

The chimes sounded pretty.

The recorder was a mistake.
The trumpet was loud.
The guitar is a work in progress.
The piano is my baby.
Singing,
well singing is simply involuntary.

A lot can happen in a year.
People can get boyfriends.
People can change.
A lot.
People can grow apart.
And I'm really scared.
That one day.
I'll look back on life and ask,
"Why did we grow apart?"
"We used to be so close."
And then I'll remember.
That that was the year we were 16.
I hate this feeling.
That I might be losing you.
Losing one of the best friends I have.
Love cannot differentiate between Christian and non-Christian.
Be careful.
Love, Kirstyn.

I need that sense of peace again...

Sometimes we just have to tell our minds to shut up
and stop thinking so much.

You won't find me in the lay-by.

This year has been a good year for confidence.
I think the things that I've experienced this year have brought me to a place of finding out who I am.
It's given me a push to do more than I thought I could do; be more than I thought I could be.
And through all this growing I've been supported.
And that support has brought me to a level of self-assurance.

I'm confident in what I believe, while still knowing that I will never be finished learning about God and his love.

I'm confident in my appearance - That has a lot to do with this past summer. I actually wake up in the morning now and feel beautiful. And I think that that is the result of many things: Germany, Camp, Anne Frank. I also see it as a sign that I'm starting to live in the love of God that I believe so strongly in.

I'm confident in my relationships - I've had such great fellowship this year. My friendships have grown. I've met new people and fell in love with them. I've the old friendships and I continue to love seeing how much God is doing in their lives too.

I'm confident in my abilities - I know that my strength comes from Him. And I actually believe that I'm capable of doing what I put my mind to. And even then, not only am I capable of doing it, but I'm capable of doing it well.

And the cool thing is that nobody is going to convince me otherwise.
K

I'm not really the type to get all lovey dovey... but...

I was walking to my locker this morning as I arrived to school. And once again I was stuck behind some really really slow walking people. If you know me at all, you know that I am a fast walker. I know where I want to go, and I'm very direct about it. One of my hugest pet peeves is being stuck behind someone who couldn't possibly be walking slower if they tried.

Anyways, back to the story.
I was walking behind one of the current couples at my school. They were walking so slowly, and all I could think about was getting passed them. It didn't take me very long (it never does) to find somewhere to squeeze through them as they blocked the hallway and continue on towards my locker. An annoyed thought about being slowed down was being entertained in my head at the moment. But that thought was put on hold as another one took its place. Because it dawned on me then.
Of course they're walking slow. They like each other for Pete's sake. They're walking slowly because they have nowhere to be other than beside each other.

Then I thought. I wonder what kinda wonderful guy it will take to slow me down; to make me walk at a snail's place.

Anyways, enough on that. Moving on.

K

A building rather than a people, a body

When we're capable of such pride.
When we have the gall to say
that our reason for not furthering our relationship with Christ
is simply because
we didn't feel like it.
Is simply because
we couldn't find a church that fit our 'needs'.
Is simply because
we didn't like the way they worshiped.

Then we've missed the point.
And we've been doing things wrong this whole time.

Because it's no longer about Jesus.
It's about us.
How we feel.
What we want.

And then we become segregated into different denominations
that are skeptical about each other's beliefs.

And then that stereotypical 'hypocrite' name for Christians
actually has ground to stand on.

Man, are we judgmental.
Man, do we have a lot of self-righteous pride.
Man, are we doing church wrong.

K

So, I haven't posted in a while. I know.
But I have a good excuse. I have been so busy with the school show.
We're in the middle of performances and this is the first time that I've been able to have a breather.

Anyways, to leave you with a thought.

I really enjoy meeting new people.
I really enjoy fellowship with other people my age.

Yours truely.

I am ecstatic. I am tired. And for once, smelling like chlorine is a relief.
Let me explain.

I just passed my in water screening for my future lifeguarding/instructing position at my local community pool. It's been a long time coming and a whole ton of hard work. I am so excited about finally being paid for it!

"The Brick" used to be two of the most intimidating words I had ever heard in my life. Until today, when I actually was successful in lifting that 20 pound brick off the bottom of a 4 meter deep pool and placing it on the pool deck. I'm fine with spinals, and pea-carries, submerged victim, and CPR but man, that brick... It has not been my best friend.

I think that when the mind has had time to stew over something that is a challenge (in my case 4 months of time) it becomes a lot more scary, intimidating, and difficult than you ever thought possible. Until you face the reality of it again and realize, this is something I can actually do! That's my relationship with 'The Brick'. Because lifting that weight was really much easier after all was said and done.

But this job finally seems attainable. All of the courses are finished. All of the work; done. The screening went well... and hopefully, I'll have an interview on Thursday.

Anyways, that's what is up in my life right now.
Kirstyn Krause; certified National Lifeguard

I wish I could make you understand.

I'm generally a very talkative person.
But sometimes the fear of being misunderstood shuts me right up.
I'm not talking about voicing my opinion.........
..........I definitely do not have a problem with that.
It's more along the lines of holding onto standards that people have forgotten even existed.
And when I think about now, and I think about tomorrow, and I think about next year.
It won't be easy. I know that now
(But I've been thrown a rope, so I know I won't fall)

I'm the kind of person that doesn't generally want to voice things unless I know I actually have time to discuss it with you. If I don't have time to tell you what I think and listen to your side as well, I probably won't bring it up.
And even in situations like that I find that people still don't listen.
Perhaps they do listen, but it's sort of that "in-one-ear-and-out-the-other" deal.
Sometimes its so hard to be misunderstood.
*Sigh*

Yea...

I just totally had another one of those Group #2 conversations again.
It was SO awkward.
Man, why don't people get that not everything is great discussion material?

To better explain what I'm saying,
I guess that people can become that person that you go to to talk to, but a certain amount of trust, respect, and loyalty has to be built up first.

Be aware of what is coming out of your mouth!

Ok. First of all. Before I write anything else on this blog. I need to say this:

STOP PROCLAIMING THAT YOU ARE SICK!!
Stop proclaiming that you have a horrible cold and will have it for quite a while. Stop saying that you feel a migraine coming on. Stop saying that you're aching back is going to kill you.

Words have so much power. In John 1 it is says "In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God."

The word WAS God! God created the world by SPEAKING things into being. The bible talks about the tongue being such a powerful destroyer.

The words we say have so much more power than we give them credit for. Ever notice how an insult effects you SO much more than compliment does? Ever notice how one nice word of encouragement can make your day? Ever notice how people have been healed because others have prayed for them? Words have so much power.

So if you are sick, don't say over and over that your body is killing you. Try instead to speak words of LIFE. Don't give so much power to the sickness. Don't give ownership to it.

Try it. I dare you. Speak blessing and healing over your sickness instead of complaining about it.

Words have power.

Let's play 'Would you rather'

It's hard to live under obligation. I find a lot of times that being obligated to do something, or be someone is really not a good thing. When I think of the word obligation I associate it with a negative connotation. When people are obligated they generally don't have much heart behind it. It comes down to the fact that they have to do it, instead of wanting to do it.

Sometimes I get stuck when I feel obligated towards someone that I look up to. I know that they want or expect something from me that I simply cannot deliver.

I have to remind myself daily not to live under the burden of obligation. I've done so many things out of obligation. Things that at first I thought were things that I needed to do; things that God had called me to do.

But God is not a God of obligation. He's a God of love; a God that gives us strength and a God that is able to change our hearts. When we feel obligated to do something our heart is generally not in the right place, and the fruits of the spirit are generally not being exhibited. But God is able to change our hearts. To change obligation into something completely different. Something that builds us up, and builds other people up.

Under obligation is a horrible place to be. And sometimes we have to think less about the expectations that people have for us, and concentrate more on God and his plans for us.

Endless doodling

explanation:
bored during line run-throughs today at play practice

On another note, I just started thinking back to grade nine. I want to open that letter I wrote to myself to open up when I graduate. I had some people write notes to me and I stuck them all inside one big envelope. I really have changed a lot since then. For the better I hope.... I know.

A few years ago I wrote a letter to myself at 25. I will open it up on April 5, 2016. It is filled with so many questions. Some of which I can still remember right now. But that is not the point because I am still really excited. There's something about receiving a letter in the mail, but I think receiving a letter from a younger version of yourself is positively stirring.

When every day is slightly different.

Dreaming that my plane tickets to Florida had been exchanged with a 24 hour road trip.
Drawing doodles in my sketch book.
Running lines a million times.
Walking outside in the face-biting wind.
Eating at Wendy's.
Watching my friend spill chocolate milk all over his pants.
Running lines a million more times.
Figuring out dominant 7th chords for theory.
Getting electrocuted by a broken Christmas light.
Laughing.
Actually having hope that the show is going to come together.
Coming home.
Organizing my notes for semester 2.
Relaxing.

I don't think I'll ever forget.

So I'm kind of thinking that girls have the tendency to blow things way out of proportion.

(I say girls because if I said guys too, I really would not have any idea what I was talking about. Because I'm a girl, and haven't talked to many boys about this particular kind of thing.)

Anyway, I just think that sometimes we make a big deal out of really small things. And like I said before in a previous blog, I have trained myself not to read between the lines. But sometimes my old self wants to slip into that similar rut. And sometimes I don't catch it at first, but I always do eventually, and pull myself out.

But seriously, I think that we all have chronic "me" syndrome, where we think the world revolves around us.
When it doesn't.
We do it subconsciously.
We're so worried about what other people think about us when really they're not thinking about us at all.

The point I'm trying to make is that meeting someone once does not automatically mean that you know them or they know you.
I think a lot of time its the idea that people fall in "like" with.
I'm cautious to use the word "love", because people throw that word around so loosely.
I don't.
But still, I can't shake the fact that meeting them once had a big impact on me.
It made me write a song after all.
And for me that's pretty big.
I'd like to ask God exactly what the point of my meeting that one person was.

To anybody other than me, it would look like a stupid insignificant event, but it wasn't.
Not really.
But here I am trying to convince myself that it was.
It's all so trivial.
It's all so naive.

K

Finally I can breathe.

This is the first morning in a lot of mornings that I have slept in.
This is the first weekend in a lot of weekends that I haven't had any homework.
This is the first Saturday in a lot of Saturdays where I have nowhere to go, and no one to see.
This is the first time in a long time where I have been this peaceful.












And it feels wonderful.
Here's to starting fresh.
K

We've all got our fake photo smile mastered.

I thought it would be a shame to only leave you with the fake photo smile idea so I decided to add a post beneath the title. I was inspired by, of all things, facebook. So many pictures of the same old thing. Girls smiling, or pouting with their arm holding up the camera, it partially obstructing the picture. It looks fake. It's hard to find a good people picture. People always look happy when they're not, or depressed when they're really happy. But occasionally whether it be by chance or talent someone actually takes a picture that lets you see into the person in the photograph. It's real. It reveals something genuine, and for a split moment in time you were able to capture them.


But don't get me wrong. I think pictures are a lot of fun to take, especially on an iMac with that photobooth program. But I guess the point i'm trying to make is that we're very good at faking our emotions. Especially in photographs.

Just Thinking...

I think attitude has everything to do with how much we enjoy something.
I've always told people that I really don't enjoy study days at all. I always tell them that they're so long, and tedious.
I was thinking about it though... and I don't agree with me anymore.
I think sometimes we accidentally trick ourselves into believing that we don't like something.
Study days actually go quite quickly. It may not be my favourite thing to do, but I definitely don't hate it.
The same thing happens with food. People have preconceptions about how a certain food will taste and whether or not they will like it before they even try it! (Myself included)
Our preconceptions really rob us of life sometimes. We're scared or uncertain to try something new that we convince ourselves we don't like it. And then we end up never trying it. It's so dumb!
Misconceptions about certain denominations in the church are also very common. Paul in the bible tells us to test everything and keep the good. I think that that would especially relate to trying different churches and growing in your faith with God. If we're comfortable in our faith, then there's a problem. We should always be learning and be trying to grow closer in our relationship with Him.
How do you know you don't like a certain church if you've only been there one time? Anyways, I kinda have to go back and study, but that is my thought for the day.

Feel privileged to actually be able to study! To be fortunate enough to go to school. You're in like the top percentile of the world.

My beloved.

You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.

I'll keep on telling you until you start to believe it.
Because it's true
I chose you
You are my beloved.

This is not a love song

I have so many things on my mind right now. I've been sitting here for a while now, writing something and then erasing it. Saving drafts. Thinking, Yea, that could potentially be a good post but right now its not right. It's not what I need to say.

The thing is, is that I don't know what I want to say.

Sometimes I bug myself with conversations I have with people. I end up talking about the same thing with the same people day after day. I'll go up to someone and start talking about all the school work I have, or how busy I am instead of simply just asking how they are doing, and then waiting for them to say something. Because maybe they do have something substantial to say and I'm just babbling away about the same old thing. If I weren't me, I would be annoyed with me sometimes. Thinking, Why does she always talk about school? And here I am again talking about school. Again. How are you?

.............................................................

I do wonder sometimes about being in a relationship with someone, someday. I don't dwell on it. But I won't deny that its exciting to know that good things are worth waiting for.

There are some very sad people that I come in contact with everyday. And I know they're sad, even when they don't say it. Their body language, and expressions, and way that they carry themselves shouts it. And I am constantly wondering what I can do. Because it's breaking my heart. It's breaking my heart because there's so much more, and I have no idea how to show that there is so much more.

I am very tired.

K

I have trained myself to not read between the lines.
I have trained myself to not assume.

Listening to: "Far from home" - Classic Crime

Somewhere along the way we made a wrong turn.
We misread the map. We're misreading the map everyday.
And most of the time it seems easier to just keep going.
But I know that if we keep going in that direction,
We're just going to get further and further away from home.
More lost.
More tired.
More hungry.
More thirsty
And we will continue to search.
And continue to wonder if we have the right directions.
But I know we won't find any satisfying destinations.

I turn around for a second. The sunrise seems so minuscule on the horizon.
But the light. It looks so tantalizing. It looks so beautiful.
But it's so far away.
Some people are crying because they think they're no way back.
But at that moment, something in me changes.
I throw down the god-forsaken map in my hands.
And I take a step towards the sunrise.
It seems to get me nowhere.
But I take another step.
And another.
And before long I'm running.
Back the way I started.
To the beginning.
I don't know where the strength is coming from.
I haven't eaten in days.
But I keep running.
The promise of the sunrise drives me on.
I don't look back.
I know there are people following me.
I hear feet slamming against the pavement.
We can make it.

The Anointed One

Jesus made us as people who need to be built up and encouraged.

Speak words of life over yourself. Speak words of truth, words of love.

Jesus comes to us and he says,
"Hey, Beloved, I love you! You've been made perfect through my cross. There is nothing; no shame, no sin, no mistake that can separate me from you."

Do not be discouraged. Do not be depressed. If you're searching for truth. Read the bible! It's filled with truth. It's filled with life. It's filled with love. Jesus is love.

I choose to speak words of life over other people. I choose to speak words of life over myself.

Failure is not a person, It's an event.

Jesus has changed my life. He's continuing to transform me. Every day. Teaching me new things, loving me so much, being faithful. It's this incredible, tangible feeling that I can't get over. I can't move past. I can't give up. Nor do I want to.

If you want it. Then start searching. Test everything, and keep the good. (1 Thessalonians 5:21) And if you search, if you call out. He'll come. He'll find you where you are.

I will no longer accept the words of defilement that are spoken over me. But I will be like Bartimeus in Mark 10:46- I am no longer "not good enough" ,"stupid" ,"ugly" ,"average", "OK".... fill in the blank. But I will call out. I will say "Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me, your beloved." And He will stop. And he will heal, and restore, and give me strength so that I can further follow him.

I plan on grabbing my true identity. This is what I am. This is what my name means. This is what He's told me again and again.

I am new. I am beloved

I am Kirstyn - The Anointed One.

Passion Is contagious

Spread it around

Another way to see Jesus

I really need a fresh start. I feel as though the next two weeks will be terribly redundant and by that I mean the schedule is going to look like this: School, Drama, Study. I really really need some new scenery.

I was reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" and the author said something about how unsatisfying it is to be exhausted not from physical activity but simply from working at a desk all day long. And I really think he was on to something.

This picture is so perfect. I don't know when I'll ever get the chance to go back.

I've decided that learning another language is a privilege. If anybody is unfortunate it's us Americans. Throw out pride. Throw out "better-than-thou". I'd give anything to be trilingual. Maybe one day.

I called this home for a month.

I never realized until that summer just how much a single picture can remind me of. I can remember not only the site, but the smell, the weather, the feeling, the attitude, the sounds, the laughter, the experience, the people, the voices. Just a picture to one person can be filled with so much memory to another. It can be their connection; their everything. These pictures are everything to me.