On another note, I just started thinking back to grade nine. I want to open that letter I wrote to myself to open up when I graduate. I had some people write notes to me and I stuck them all inside one big envelope. I really have changed a lot since then. For the better I hope.... I know.
A few years ago I wrote a letter to myself at 25. I will open it up on April 5, 2016. It is filled with so many questions. Some of which I can still remember right now. But that is not the point because I am still really excited. There's something about receiving a letter in the mail, but I think receiving a letter from a younger version of yourself is positively stirring.
Dreaming that my plane tickets to Florida had been exchanged with a 24 hour road trip. Drawing doodles in my sketch book. Running lines a million times. Walking outside in the face-biting wind. Eating at Wendy's. Watching my friend spill chocolate milk all over his pants. Running lines a million more times. Figuring out dominant 7th chords for theory. Getting electrocuted by a broken Christmas light. Laughing. Actually having hope that the show is going to come together. Coming home. Organizing my notes for semester 2. Relaxing.
So I'm kind of thinking that girls have the tendency to blow things way out of proportion.
(I say girls because if I said guys too, I really would not have any idea what I was talking about. Because I'm a girl, and haven't talked to many boys about this particular kind of thing.)
Anyway, I just think that sometimes we make a big deal out of really small things. And like I said before in a previous blog, I have trained myself not to read between the lines. But sometimes my old self wants to slip into that similar rut. And sometimes I don't catch it at first, but I always do eventually, and pull myself out.
But seriously, I think that we all have chronic "me" syndrome, where we think the world revolves around us. When it doesn't. We do it subconsciously. We're so worried about what other people think about us when really they're not thinking about us at all.
The point I'm trying to make is that meeting someone once does not automatically mean that you know them or they know you. I think a lot of time its the idea that people fall in "like" with. I'm cautious to use the word "love", because people throw that word around so loosely. I don't. But still, I can't shake the fact that meeting them once had a big impact on me. It made me write a song after all. And for me that's pretty big. I'd like to ask God exactly what the point of my meeting that one person was.
To anybody other than me, it would look like a stupid insignificant event, but it wasn't. Not really. But here I am trying to convince myself that it was. It's all so trivial. It's all so naive.
This is the first morning in a lot of mornings that I have slept in. This is the first weekend in a lot of weekends that I haven't had any homework. This is the first Saturday in a lot of Saturdays where I have nowhere to go, and no one to see. This is the first time in a long time where I have been this peaceful.
And it feels wonderful. Here's to starting fresh. K
I thought it would be a shame to only leave you with the fake photo smile idea so I decided to add a post beneath the title. I was inspired by, of all things, facebook. So many pictures of the same old thing. Girls smiling, or pouting with their arm holding up the camera, it partially obstructing the picture. It looks fake. It's hard to find a good people picture. People always look happy when they're not, or depressed when they're really happy. But occasionally whether it be by chance or talent someone actually takes a picture that lets you see into the person in the photograph. It's real. It reveals something genuine, and for a split moment in time you were able to capture them.
But don't get me wrong. I think pictures are a lot of fun to take, especially on an iMac with that photobooth program. But I guess the point i'm trying to make is that we're very good at faking our emotions. Especially in photographs.
I think attitude has everything to do with how much we enjoy something. I've always told people that I really don't enjoy study days at all. I always tell them that they're so long, and tedious. I was thinking about it though... and I don't agree with me anymore. I think sometimes we accidentally trick ourselves into believing that we don't like something. Study days actually go quite quickly. It may not be my favourite thing to do, but I definitely don't hate it. The same thing happens with food. People have preconceptions about how a certain food will taste and whether or not they will like it before they even try it! (Myself included) Our preconceptions really rob us of life sometimes. We're scared or uncertain to try something new that we convince ourselves we don't like it. And then we end up never trying it. It's so dumb! Misconceptions about certain denominations in the church are also very common. Paul in the bible tells us to test everything and keep the good. I think that that would especially relate to trying different churches and growing in your faith with God. If we're comfortable in our faith, then there's a problem. We should always be learning and be trying to grow closer in our relationship with Him. How do you know you don't like a certain church if you've only been there one time? Anyways, I kinda have to go back and study, but that is my thought for the day.
Feel privileged to actually be able to study! To be fortunate enough to go to school. You're in like the top percentile of the world.
You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You'reworth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.
I'll keep on telling you until you start to believe it. Because it's true I chose you You are my beloved.
I have so many things on my mind right now. I've been sitting here for a while now, writing something and then erasing it. Saving drafts. Thinking, Yea, that could potentially be a good post but right now its not right. It's not what I need to say.
The thing is, is that I don't know what I want to say.
Sometimes I bug myself with conversations I have with people. I end up talking about the same thing with the same people day after day. I'll go up to someone and start talking about all the school work I have, or how busy I am instead of simply just asking how they are doing, and then waiting for them to say something. Because maybe they do have something substantial to say and I'm just babbling away about the same old thing. If I weren't me, I would be annoyed with me sometimes. Thinking, Why does she always talk about school? And here I am again talking about school. Again. How are you?
............................................................. I do wonder sometimes about being in a relationship with someone, someday. I don't dwell on it. But I won't deny that its exciting to know that good things are worth waiting for.
There are some very sad people that I come in contact with everyday. And I know they're sad, even when they don't say it. Their body language, and expressions, and way that they carry themselves shouts it. And I am constantly wondering what I can do. Because it's breaking my heart. It's breaking my heart because there's so much more, and I have no idea how to show that there is so much more.
Somewhere along the way we made a wrong turn. We misread the map. We're misreading the map everyday. And most of the time it seems easier to just keep going. But I know that if we keep going in that direction, We're just going to get further and further away from home. More lost. More tired. More hungry. More thirsty And we will continue to search. And continue to wonder if we have the right directions. But I know we won't find any satisfying destinations.
I turn around for a second. The sunrise seems so minuscule on the horizon. But the light. It looks so tantalizing. It looks so beautiful. But it's so far away. Some people are crying because they think they're no way back. But at that moment, something in me changes. I throw down the god-forsaken map in my hands. And I take a step towards the sunrise. It seems to get me nowhere. But I take another step. And another. And before long I'm running. Back the way I started. To the beginning. I don't know where the strength is coming from. I haven't eaten in days. But I keep running. The promise of the sunrise drives me on. I don't look back. I know there are people following me. I hear feet slamming against the pavement. We can make it.
Jesus made us as people who need to be built up and encouraged.
Speak words of life over yourself. Speak words of truth, words of love.
Jesus comes to us and he says, "Hey, Beloved, I love you! You've been made perfect through my cross. There is nothing; no shame, no sin, no mistake that can separate me from you."
Do not be discouraged. Do not be depressed. If you're searching for truth. Read the bible! It's filled with truth. It's filled with life. It's filled with love. Jesus is love.
I choose to speak words of life over other people. I choose to speak words of life over myself.
Failure is not a person, It's an event.
Jesus has changed my life. He's continuing to transform me. Every day. Teaching me new things, loving me so much, being faithful. It's this incredible, tangible feeling that I can't get over. I can't move past. I can't give up. Nor do I want to.
If you want it. Then start searching. Test everything, and keep the good. (1 Thessalonians 5:21) And if you search, if you call out. He'll come. He'll find you where you are.
I will no longer accept the words of defilement that are spoken over me. But I will be like Bartimeus in Mark 10:46- I am no longer "not good enough" ,"stupid" ,"ugly" ,"average", "OK".... fill in the blank. But I will call out. I will say "Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me, your beloved." And He will stop. And he will heal, and restore, and give me strength so that I can further follow him.
I plan on grabbing my true identity. This is what I am. This is what my name means. This is what He's told me again and again.
I really need a fresh start. I feel as though the next two weeks will be terribly redundant and by that I mean the schedule is going to look like this: School, Drama, Study. I really really need some new scenery.
I was reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" and the author said something about how unsatisfying it is to be exhausted not from physical activity but simply from working at a desk all day long. And I really think he was on to something.
This picture is so perfect. I don't know when I'll ever get the chance to go back.
I've decided that learning another language is a privilege. If anybody is unfortunate it's us Americans. Throw out pride. Throw out "better-than-thou". I'd give anything to be trilingual. Maybe one day.
I called this home for a month.
I never realized until that summer just how much a single picture can remind me of. I can remember not only the site, but the smell, the weather, the feeling, the attitude, the sounds, the laughter, the experience, the people, the voices. Just a picture to one person can be filled with so much memory to another. It can be their connection; their everything. These pictures are everything to me.
It's really hard to trust people sometimes. I've figured out that I do not enjoy group projects. I would rather work hard on the project myself. I would rather make my own decisions, and work at my own pace than split up the work and depend on other people. And It all comes down to how much I trust the person I'm working with.
But relying on other people is inevitable. We need to do it, or else we'll dig ourselves deeper and deeper into the ground.
Something I find even harder to trust God. There are things in my life that I try and figure out all by myself. I try to iron out all the kinks and wrinkles, and I work so hard to make things right sometimes. It's like my subconscious is telling God that I can't rely on him. I can't trust him to take over the crazy events in my life that are wearing me down with worry. But sometimes, especially right now with some things in my life I have to trust him.
I know I have to trust him because I really have no idea how certain things will turn out. I can't see the whole picture. I just know that If I don't I'll wear myself down to nothing.
It even comes down to me telling God, "Ok God I'm going to trust you with this".
And sometimes I have to tell him that every day, every hour, every second even. Because I subconsciously always want to take my problem or worry back into my own hands. Because its comfortable and safe. But comfort can be dangerous sometimes, because it means missing out on things. It means missing out on the risk you take by trusting God. It means missing out on his blessing; on His plan for our lives.
I won't put a bow on this and wrap it up in a neat little package.
Because its not neat. It doesn't come naturally at first. Its not easy, or even beautiful sometimes.
It's hard to trust God; Giving-everything-back-to-him-constantly hard.
But I'm going to do it. Because I don't know what else to do.
I was watching the music video for "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. And I started wondering.... Was there actually a Delilah? Did Tom Higgenson (lead singer of Plain White T's) actually write this song for a girl? Was her name actually Delilah? Is the story true?
I'm assuming he did. Because I know how hard it would be to write a song like that that didn't have some type of emotional attachment to it.
I know that I've written songs that have been inspired by people I've met, known, even liked. I guess my point is, is that I always wonder what songs mean? What they go back to? What is the message? What's the emotion? What or Who is the inspiration?
I listened to some music today written by somebody I used to know for a short period of time, and I asked all these questions. It was sort of therapeutic.
Wouldn't it be cool to be the inspiration for a song?