Friday, January 04, 2008

I'm going to give this back to you

Trust is a big word.

It's really hard to trust people sometimes. I've figured out that I do not enjoy group projects. I would rather work hard on the project myself. I would rather make my own decisions, and work at my own pace than split up the work and depend on other people. And It all comes down to how much I trust the person I'm working with.

But relying on other people is inevitable. We need to do it, or else we'll dig ourselves deeper and deeper into the ground.

Something I find even harder to trust God. There are things in my life that I try and figure out all by myself. I try to iron out all the kinks and wrinkles, and I work so hard to make things right sometimes. It's like my subconscious is telling God that I can't rely on him. I can't trust him to take over the crazy events in my life that are wearing me down with worry. But sometimes, especially right now with some things in my life I have to trust him.

I know I have to trust him because I really have no idea how certain things will turn out. I can't see the whole picture. I just know that If I don't I'll wear myself down to nothing.

It even comes down to me telling God, "Ok God I'm going to trust you with this".

And sometimes I have to tell him that every day, every hour, every second even. Because I subconsciously always want to take my problem or worry back into my own hands. Because its comfortable and safe. But comfort can be dangerous sometimes, because it means missing out on things. It means missing out on the risk you take by trusting God. It means missing out on his blessing; on His plan for our lives.

I won't put a bow on this and wrap it up in a neat little package.

Because its not neat. It doesn't come naturally at first. Its not easy, or even beautiful sometimes.

It's hard to trust God; Giving-everything-back-to-him-constantly hard.

But I'm going to do it. Because I don't know what else to do.



kamela said...

I LOVE group projects, although i did have a bad experience this year, i still love them.

Jonathan said...

it really really depends on how much you trust the person. but you know that already - evidently.

i guess i'm saying i agree, muchly.