I have no idea where this is going....

I'm writing a song......

Again.

And once more all I have is a chorus. I'd share that chorus with you. But this song is being put under house arrest until I figure out whether or not it falls under the "too-personal-to-share- with-you" category. Unless of course you're in group 1 (going back to the previous post) then you'll most likely hear it.... eventually..... never before it's finished

But I'm getting majorly off topic here.

Again.

Anyways, The chorus expresses exactly how I feel. But it almost seems as though the chorus by itself pretty much states every idea I wanted to get across at that specific time of composing. I have no idea what I want to say anymore, or where I want to go with the song. I have so many ideas, but none of them fit right. I know it will come eventually. It always seems to. That's how it was with "All for Love"

I need to figure out what I want to say before I can write it...................

Wow, I'm boring myself.

Bye.

There are people in everyone's life
that try and get you to talk with them
about stuff that's going on in your life.

These people can further be broken down into two groups:

Group #1

Those you go on to share that stuff with. (You know who you are. Thanks so much)

Group #2

Those you don't.



Plain and simple. Right?

I guess the difficulty comes in when you get people in Group #2
who think they are in Group #1.

Yea...

DRIVERS ED IS STEALING OUR MONEY.






there..that'll teach you to make me write 21 stupid pages...

I think one of my favourite things about holidays is forgetting what day it is. It's good to do that every once in a while.










Also, I've decided (actually no, I knew this all along. I just decided to write about it today) that I hate being the third wheel. And if you don't know what that is, look it up.

Relationships often get in the way of friendships. And it sucks. And it sucks being the third wheel. And yea... that's it.

Christmas Holiday

I'm Free at Last.

Fourth Christmas present.
Biology quest tomorrow.
Frustrated with my face.
Needing to snowboard.
Tired of Homework.
Roughest play run-through.
Feeling cold.
Hoping for snow.
Questioning everything.
Keeping the good.
Trusting in God.

Been Listening To: Washed in the Water - Needtobreathe.

We don't know when!

It bothers me when people say "I think that Jesus is going to be coming back in the next _______" and then they give a time frame. Year, Decade, Century, whatever.

I guess it just irks me because it says in the bible that nobody knows the time or day when He'll return. There's practically a whole chapter talking about it in 2 Thessalonian! Paul tells the people to not be easily fooled by the ones that tell them that the time of the Lord has arrived.

There are so many things I still want to accomplish in this lifetime. And call me sacreligious but I don't know if I'm ready for Jesus to return yet. I don't fully know. What I do know is that when he comes back it's going to be the single best thing the world has ever seen aside from possibly the beginning. But that doesn't mean I'm done living on this earth yet. It sounds immature, and it probably is. But at least I'm being honest.

He could come back tomorrow, or He could come back a million years from now. Nobody knows.

So don't say that you do.

It's not about the time. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about knowing that God's looking out for us, and that all we need to do is live in the truth, and search it out.

I'm good as long as Jesus knows the time he's gonna come back here. And I'm 100% positive He's got that date covered.

Peace.

Highlighters Five Bucks and Vienna: My scattered thoughts of the night.

I've discovered that I love using highlighters. I think I may be addicted to using them while studying. It's like I'm reviewing my notes and I see a headline or a definition, and automatically out comes my bright yellow pocket accent highlighter and bam! headline is highlighted.

Without that extra colour of yellow on my study notes its as if the words jumble together and I can't make sense of anything.

On another note:

I found five bucks today. That's fun.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have any of you heard of the song "Vienna" by the Fray? I love it. But to this day, I'm still trying to figure out what it means. I've come up with so many different interpretations of it. What are your thoughts?

On another another note:

Vienna makes me think of Austria.
Austria makes me think of Europe.
Which makes me think of my time in Germany.
Which makes me think of Gabi and Henry.
Which makes me think of Bjoern, Dennis, Helen, and the cousins.
Which makes me miss Germany a lot.
Especially during Christmas time.
It makes me want to cry sometimes.
It makes me think What are you doing for Christmas? Do you miss me too?

I want to be there with you.

Vienna.

I spend way to much of my life doing homework.

Wondering...

Sometimes I wonder if I shy away from opportunity.

Yea... I'll add more later after I think about it more.

If you want to know who I am.....one place you'll be sure to find something is in my music

I was just downstairs playing around on the piano in my living room. I was switching between the songs that I've written over the past year or so and I was just thinking back to events that influenced the songs. Each one that I've written has been inspired by something, someone, or some place. There's great significance in each one for me, because each one communicates something I've gone through. My music is a true and raw expression of me. And every time I play one of them it helps me remember what events in my life have brought me closer to Him. I think one of the hardest things to do would be to sing a song that you 1. don't understand, and 2. cannot relate to. And by not being able to relate I mean not having experienced whatever is being experienced in the song.

"I'm just a girl who's holding fast to a promise that he has a plan for my life"
"And I have trials and hopes and secrets and things about me, but do these things define me?"
"So If you don't care, then just don't flatter me"
"Don't you know you're playing with my heartstrings?"
"It's crazy what she'll do for love.... It's amazing what he'll do to love her"
"So this is what it feels like to fly"
"Hear my whisper to your soul"
"I miss you but I'm happy you're in heaven now with Jesus."

These are all pieces of me. These are things that have brought me to where I am right now.

And the cool thing with music is the fact that what a song means to me, might end up meaning something totally different to someone else. It's up for interpretation.

K

Dear (insert your name here),

You know how to love, because I loved you first. If I did not love you, you would not be capable of loving anything or anyone. I am Love.

Jesus

Light could possibly be

one of the most glorious and beautiful things on the planet.
I think its God's way of saying "I am the author of creativity."
Be aware of it these next few days. Take the time to see how beautiful it is.

Collosians 3:4 (The Message)

I had two really interesting discussions with two very different people today. The discussions were completely opposite, but both of them had an impact on my day.

The first discussion I must say was a direct blessing from Jesus for me today. I've been sharing with you that sometimes I find it really hard to live with passion and intensity at my school. And today I had an amazing talk with someone who understood where I was coming from. A lot of times It feels as though I'm completely alone, and I have to hold on tightly to what I believe, less it be swept away. But her and I encouraged one another to continue living boldly. I think Jesus gives us lifelines like this sometimes as a way of saying, "Hey look, I've placed you here for a reason. I'm still here working in your life, and I'm working in other lives too. "

The second discussion made me feel that I was just completely misunderstood all over again. It's difficult when you come across two Christians with two different viewpoints that both believe they are right. What do you do with that? It's so hard to hold onto what you believe to be true when 1. That person believes something else is the truth, and 2. they don't understand you. I can't really give specifics about the discussion, but I must say this. I think that someone must first understand the power and reality of the Holy Spirit in our lives before they can understand the spiritual warfare that goes on in our world, and its effect on us. No one person can make somebody else understand the Spirit. Only the Holy Spirit can make us understand Him. Therefore I feel very stuck with this discussion. I really don't know why God's placed me in this situation yet.

Kirstyn

My thoughts should never 'run away with me'.
Because that implies that I'm not in control of myself, or my thoughts.
And that's just silly.

Oh how He loves us......

If grace is an ocean,

we're all sinking.

Comments

Ever notice how its really hard to be intense in a place without intensity?

I'm intense without even trying to be sometimes. This is what makes it really hard to be real sometimes. Because here I am, operating on a level of intensity, and it's almost as if I have to switch gears completely and tone it down because people just don't seem to relate. Gah, it's like sticking out without even trying. Living without intensity feels like I'm drifting through life; like i'm existing rather than actually LIVING. I don't want to be intimidating, but at the same time, I can't stand not expressing stuff I believe in.

I hate the routine. I'm bothered by the immaturity. I cringe when I see how tired and lifeless people are sometimes. Man, I gotta stop caring about what other people think, and just operate on the level of intensity that God's called me to be on.

Afraid of Failure? No. I can't live that way. It'll suck the life out of me.

So tonight I feel like dwelling on the topic of my little Christian school....

......again.

The realization of the fact that my school only has 450 students is starting to hit me smack in the middle of my forehead. It's not that I didn't know that before, but right now it's just seeming like a much more important detail that I never really thought had much significance before. But it does.

Sometimes I feel like my school has the ability to take inspiration away. It takes the passion that I have for something and grabs it out of my hands. I'm going strong for a few days, and then after the initial excitement has worn off it's as if any energy I had previously for it has completely gone down the drain, and my inspiration is... well...put on the shelf.

Sometimes it feels like there's not enough intensity, or passion, or sense of direction at my school. Instead it just makes me feel tired.

I have to go do my math homework.

Shallowness

lack of understanding lack of communication
lack of a desire for expanding education
lack of inspiration lack of innovation
the fact you can't respect another mans creation
lack of motiviation lack of restoration
the fact we lack unity and enjoy separation
lack of destination because you know what I feel
I feel that humans lack the ability to be real

-John Reuban

I really don't have anything to say right now. Oh well.

Promise.
I'll Catch you.
Trust me.

A lot of people associate the winter with tragedy, or death, or end. It's cold, it's dark, the trees are bare, animals and humans hide away.
But I find that the best way to describe the silent cold of winter is with the word promise. The promise of Spring. The promise of tomorrow. The promise of a savior.

Genesis 28:15

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

There you have it.

Tomorrow's assembly

Realize it's not about the song.
Realize it's not about how I sing.
Realize it's not about how much you clap.
Realize it's not about me.

Realize it's about Him. That's my focus. It's gotta be, or else all if for nothing.
Here's to His love.
Thank you.
I'd be lost without it.

Well, life certainly was changed up a bit today.
It's a snow day, and I got to sleep in this morning.
Man, I love direct answers to prayer.

Slow Down

I always seem to be hurrying. Rushing through the day, trying to get everything done as fast as possible. My year is marked by months, marked by weeks, marked by days, marked by hours, marked by minutes. Even with the books I read I find myself meticulously counting the pages. Books in my mind are split up in Chapters, which are further split up into 100's, 50's, 20's, 10's of pages until we get down to page by page.

Time seems to go by so fast. The weekdays blend into one, and the weekends are definitely not long enough. I enjoy life. Each day is appreciated. But sometimes I wish that I had more than 5 minutes in between my classes, so that I could take my time and maybe talk to somebody in the hallway. I wish that I had longer than 26 minutes at lunch time to eat and converse with friends. I wish that the days didn't just mesh into one. Instead of each day being invidivual it turns into this (I hate to say) routine of Get up, Go to school, Go home, Do homework, Eat, Read, Bed. Now obviously that's a slight exaggeration seeing as my days are filled with many more things than those seven I just listed, but that's what it feels like.

I want to teach myself to walk slower, talk slower, eat slower, and ultimately breath slower.
But I just don't have the time. Ironic, isn't it.

Tomorrow, I'll try to slow down a bit. Change things up a bit.
Kirstyn

Recording

Notice:

I will be recording my songs two weeks from now on a Sunday afternoon. Now don't get worked up, it's nothing professional or anything. It's just Garage Band on my dad's Mac. However, I find that it is time that I set up a Myspace so that I can put my music up and people who are always asking to hear my songs finally can. But before I do that, I must get busy recording.
I plan on doing "All for Love" (My latest song), "Who I want to be/Just a girl", and finally "Don't Flatter Me".

Just thought I'd inform you. For anyone who cares.

Kirstyn

I've gone downtown about 3 times in the past week with my brother, and my friends to have coffee or to go to church. I love going downtown Toronto, but lately I've just realized the need for healing in that area. As I walk down the dirty sidewalk of Yonge Street, past Dundas Square I'm bombarded with constant advertisements, or people handing out pamphlets on Islam. I walk past the Church of Scientology, and the Strip bars, and the Gay bars. I look into the eyes of the people passing me and my heart breaks. I won't deny the sense of fear that rises up in my spirit as I walk down that Strip of Yonge. But once that feeling of anxiousness has dissipated the knowledge of the need for Jesus in downtown Toronto practically hits me in the face like that of the biting wind on a cold November night. I don't have any answers. I just know is that my heart starts crying when I see all of these hurting people. And I have no idea what to do about it.

During worship tonight at central, I saw God stamp "MINE" on my heart. That stamp represents His protection, His favour, and His love.

He's been showing me his love these past few weeks and during that time I've been asking Him to give me the strength to love people like they love them. And I know that when my heart cries out for these people that I see, It's God saying: "I love the guy that's sitting on that street corner begging for change. I love the group of people that you just walked past who are laughing and having a good time. I love the man that stands at the same street corner everyday and asks people the time. I love the guy who's talking to himself on the subway. I love the woman that works at the Strip bar. I love the people of downtown Toronto, and I haven't forgotten about them. I love them just as much as I love you.

Kirstyn

Our words have power

I spent the day being very aware of the words that were coming out of my mouth, and what words were coming out of the mouth's of others. At the beginning of the day my goal was only to avoid the pointless conversation outlined in my previous post. I slipped up a few times today, either catching myself in the act of saying "Fine" to the response of "How are you?", or realizing that I had right afterwards.

But, along with trying to say something other than "Nothing much" when somebody asked "What's up", I also tried to ask interesting questions. It started off in History class this morning. I stole the idea from my Brother's blog and started asking some of my close friends to say something inspirational. And before I new it, all of my friends were in on it. Some of them were listing off favourite quotes that they loved, and some of them were saying something completely ridiculous, but hilarious all the same. We had a good laugh, and it made people think. There was only one person in the group who did not come up with a substantial answer.

I asked a few more of my friends the same question at lunch time, and one person in particular told me to give them a minute to think about it, and sure enough came back with something quite profound and worth while. This friend isn't someone I generally have lengthy conversations with, but once I had invested some time into asking them a question, they all of the sudden started telling me this funny story about something that had happened on the weekend, and I was drawn into a new conversation.

After everybody had said their words of inspiration I asked another question: "What is the one of the most exciting things you've ever done?" We went around the circle and all of my friends shared something about a vacation they had, or some other experience they had enjoyed. A few people said they had not had something exciting happen to them, or that they didn't know, but sure enough when they saw everybody sharing and joining in on the conversation, they did as well; adding their two cents worth of exciting events. This may not seem like an amazing thing to you as you read this, but the intelligence, and thought put into the conversation today was on a completely different level than it usually is. A higher lever. The usual meaningless banter at my school lunch table was not present today. Instead I learned something new about the people I spend so much of my time with. It's a shame we don't actually know eachother.

I plan on keeping this up. Everyday a new question.
Let's be aware of what were saying.
Let's be intelligent with our words.
Our words have power.

Until later,

Kirstyn

"Hi."
"Hey."
"How are you?"
"Fine. You?"
"Good."
"Cool."
"Yeap."
"Alright, well see you later."
"Bye."

Or in other words, we've just had a 10 second conversation
that accomplished absolutely nothing. I'm so tired of it.
I'm going to try my very best to not have this conversation this week.
So there.
Stick it to the man.

Kirstyn.

Satirical

I'm spending time reading other people's blogs and it seems to me that everybody's down about something. Either that or they're writing like they're depressed. And that is sort of depressing in and of itself. Makes me wonder if I should start writing the woe's of Kirstyn. Actually no, it really doesn't make me wonder that. Not at all actually. Although, it does make me want to write something satirical. Maybe next time. I'm too busy right now, having a life.

:)

Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines,
sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore,
Dream.

-Mark Twain

Grade 2 Theory is SO incredibly frustrating. I finished my Gr. 8 royal conservatory practical exam last June and scored an 82% which I was really happy with, but now I am stuck here doing Theory; figuring out how many Major, Minor, Diminished, Augmented or Perfect intervals fit into any number of Major, Minor, Natural or Harmonic scales. It's brutal. My mom was my piano teacher for just over 10 years, and she is also currently teaching me the theory that I am so incredibly fed-up with at the moment. We had to go over the same lesson like 4 times, because I didn't understand it. Generally I find Theory pretty easy to comprehend, but this specific section I just could not figure out. I just finished the lesson with my mom, and thankfully I don't have to worry about theory again until next Wednesday. I don't actually mind it that much, but I feel like ranting a bit, so let me be. (Just in case you read this mom, I am thankful for all you do to teach me piano and theory, this is nothing against you).

I think I'm due for a good cry sometime soon. This may sound strange to you, but people gotta cry every once in a while. I'm convinced that its a healthy thing to do.
Anyways, enough of me boring you out of your minds.

Kirstyn

What amazes me is how certain events in our life are remembered forever, and others are forgotten almost instantaneously. Memories are powerful.
What also amazes me is the fact that dreams seem so real sometimes. Did you know that if we didn't dream, we would die? So, even if you don't think that you dream, you do. You just don't remember them.

I'm struggling here, trying to figure out just how much I should say...

When I first started this post I was going to say, "Lucky you, blog reader, you get an inside peek on the mind of Kirstyn today." But man, I don't even feel free to be completely open here! I'm so frustrated. Life would be way easier if we didn't have to hide what we were really thinking all the time.

I'd like to go through a day just hearing the subtext. Yeah...

End of post.

Life for me right now can be summed up in one word: BUSY!

I've been doing homework all night long this whole week. I am outrageously tired. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. I should be in bed; sleeping; dreaming in fact. Goodbye!

So, it's like this.

The High Priest in the old testament was a representative for all the people of the nation or land. He had to be completely holy. Everything about him had to be clean, and free from sin. Every year he would go into the Holy of Holies, which was in the temple. The Holy spirit, and presence of God resided in the Holy of Holies. At this point the people were still separated from God, and the only way to get to God was through the law. So every year the High Priest would sanctify himself and enter the Holy of Holies to sacrifice a spotless lamb in order to bring bounty to the people for that year. If the High Priest had any sin in him, he would be immediately struck dead because the power of God was so heavy in that place.

If the High Priest did not die, and was found righteous before God, then all the people in the nation were found righteous as well, and they would be blessed that year. However, if the Priest was not righteous and died in the Holy of Holies because of it, that would reflect back to the people as being full of sin as well. It's sort of like the Governor General reporting to the Queen as a representative for all of Canada.

The amazing thing about Grace is that Jesus is our representative. He is the High Priest of every single person who was, is, and will be living on this earth. Therefore, when we, as Christians come before the Throne of God. God doesn't see us, and the imperfections we've made, and the sins we've committed, but instead he sees Jesus standing before us as our representative, perfect in every way. God then says, "Hello my beloved, you are perfect, spotless. Please enter my kingdom. I love you."

This blows my mind; I don't have to do ANYTHING to receive this gift other than believing that Jesus did in fact pay the price for me. I don't have to work for it, I don't have to pay for it. It's completely and utterly a gift. If your best friend gave you a gift for Christmas and you told her you would pay her back for it, your friend would say, "No. I gave this gift to you, it wouldn't be a gift if you had to do something to earn it. I love you, that's why I'm giving it to you." It's the same thing with Jesus.

I'm writing this down more for me, than for you probably because this was the message I heard tonight at church and I want to remember it. It made me see a completely different perspective on so many things. If it helps you, awesome. Have a grace filled week.

Kirstyn

I need a break.

God's been continuing to reveal his love to me this week. Earlier on in my "God's love" post I listed what God told me his love was like. And yesterday he showed me his love in Colour. I wasn't looking for it, and I wasn't expecting it. I was just worshiping him, and focusing in on him when all of the sudden I got this picture in the front of my mind of colour spouting out from two holes. Blue was coming from the left side of the picture, and red from the right side. And they started mixing together and forming this beautiful solution of blues, and reds, and purples.

The colours had a consistency of molten lava. They were hot, and bubbling, and swirling around. The colours just kept on coming and mixing together. It almost seemed as if the flow of the colours was related to rythym, and tempo of the worship music. (The colours would pour faster when the tempo got faster etc.)

The cool part about this picture that I got in my head was that it wasn't like some crazy spiritual encounter or anything. It wasn't as if I were "slain in the spirit" or "unaware of my surroundings" but there was just a peace that came over me. It was like God was saying, "Hey, In the midst of your worship, I'm just going to bless you by revealing my love to you. This is my love in colour."

I think the fact that colour was the first on the list of describing words for God's love in my previous post, and the fact that God revealed his love in colour to me first as well is really significant. I've never experienced or even thought that his love could have any more description than a really strong feeling. But now I know better.

This may sound crazy to you, but this is what God is doing in my life right now. This is true, and real.

Kirstyn

Patience.

Everyday of life is filled with waiting.
Is anticipation better than the actual moment?
In some ways yes, in some ways no.
I'm not very good at

Patience.

Is being misunderstood the best thing or the worst thing?
I think that being understood by few and
misunderstood by many is ideal.

Why do we try to be profound?

God's Love

Thinking of My love as simply a strong feeling towards you is like drawing a single dot on a piece of blank white paper.

My love has colour, shape, design, creativity. It's 3 dimensional, it lives, it moves, it breaths, it has personality.

Ephesians 3: 16-19

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!

All for Love?

It's crazy what we do for love.
There is a yearning in all of us to love and to be loved. I understand that, I feel that, I've experienced that.
I suppose it's about how you go about getting love or giving love in a sense.
We all seem to look in different places.
One situation in particular has been brewing around in my brain all day long and I can't seem to shake it. Maybe I have no right to think about it, and I probably have even less right to speak about it because its not my business.
"Drama" is overrated.
I guess the question is: What is love worth to us? Is it worth giving up your friendships? Is it worth changing who you are? There are all these worldly misconceptions about love, and its all a lie. Love should not be determined by our feelings. For if we rely on feelings alone without truth involved then we are lost. Literally. We begin to lose sight of who we are. And we do this all for love, love that isn't real.

I'm only beginning to understand my heavenly Daddy's love for me. I try to wrap my mind around what that unselfish, unconditional, overpowering, passionate love is like. I can't imagine it, yet Jesus loves me like that. I've been reveling in being single. Simply because there's no way I can understand romantic love if I am still trying to grasp what Daddy's love is for me.

If I'm gonna find love in a guy like so many of my friends are searching for these days, man I better start looking towards heaven, because that is where I'm gonna find truth on how to love and be loved.

My list of things to do.

So, about half a year ago I wrote a "Things I Want To Do In This Lifetime" list in my diary. Some of them are serious, some of them silly. Pretty much ranging from the classic "Get married" or "Go to University" to things more superficial and easy like "Get a pedicure".

Anyways, today I was reminded of the list that I wrote and so I pulled out my diary. I don't write in my diary nearly enough because honestly I like typing a lot more than I do writing. But, I do enjoy reading back on what I've written.

My point is, is that as I was reading the list there were 2 or 3 things on that list that I have actually accomplished and could check off my list. And the most important of those 2 or 3 was my Number Five on that list: Be in a Play. Come this February I will be in the production of "The Diary of Anne Frank" at my school. I was cast as Margot Frank, the older sister. Ideally I would have loved to be Anne herself, but I've been praying about this play for a long time, and I feel honoured to have made it, especially considering that many people that tried out did not.

Over these past few months I have developed a new attitude where I want to experience new things, and be more creative. God is the author of creativity, and I feel that there's something special about expressing yourself musically, artistically, and in this case dramatically.

This whole "Play" thing is totally new to me. I've never been in a play, and I have no idea what to expect. I just know that it will be so much fun, and I'm ready to face anything that comes my way.

Kirstyn

Can you keep a secret guys?

good, so can I

My Interpretation of Proverbs 3:5

I trust you Jesus with all that I am; everything I'm going through; my whole situation.
I trust in You instead of trusting in myself; instead of reading between the lines, and trying to figure out the final outcome without having all the facts. I need to trust in you.

My mind is swimming with thoughts right now that I shall try and write down:

It's too late to talk to you because you live halfway across the universe.
Hating to love someone?
I had my sights set on that school this morning, but now I can't find St. George!
"I know almost for certain that Margot would never kiss anyone unless she was engaged to them"
You need to chill out.
I've had that meal three times in one weekend and its still just as yummy as the first time I had it.
The last day of warm weather?
I can wait until Friday.
How come its so easy to forget? So easy to be selfish with what I have?

That makes no sense whatsoever. But I don't care.


Please come and calm my thoughts. Give me clarity, peace, and wisdom. Ah! I need you so badly. Don't forget about me. Answer the desires of my heart, and make me more like you today.

This week has been good for me. There is a refugee conference for all Gr. 11's at my school and it's really opened my mind a bit. God's been speaking to me this week about several things regarding refugees, and Rwanda, and just about his truth and generosity in general. I'm really not sure how I'm going to respond in terms of spending my time, money, effort, or influence yet, but I'll be praying about it. It's good to stay aware.

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On another note, I'm REALLY excited about what God's doing in my life so far this year, and what he's going to do! I'll keep you updated, but for now that's all I'm going to say.

Germany

Sometimes I miss all of you terribly.
The smallest of things will set off a million wonderful memories.
I never even knew I was making a memory until now; until I realize I want so desperately to be back there with everyone laughing, and staying up late talking.
I don't want to forget what it felt like being there.
Because I've never felt so alive before.
I won't, because I can't, because I will not forget what it felt like to fly.
When will I see you again?
Do you guys miss me too? Or has life gone on.
I hope maybe we'll have some more magic next summer.
Sometimes I miss all of you terribly

Dancing; It's food for the soul

Some songs, when you hear them you just want to get up and dance. It's like you can't help but tap your foot, bob your head, or snap your fingers. It's like the song is calling you. It's almost as if that by not dancing your denying some internal yearning that says, "Man, I want to dance!"

I love to dance. I can't by any means actually dance. But you know what? I'm glad I can't. Because it feels more free. It doesn't matter if I don't get the moves right, and it doesn't matter I you look stupid doing it because that's not the point. The point is that I'm dancing. I'm having some serious fun. Dancing; It's food for the soul.

My Christian School

Most of the time its just that people don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm a pretty open person, and I don't hold back much of who I am. I like to be true and real. But sometimes its as if no matter how much I explain what I mean or what I believe people look at me weird. They consider me a extremist, or someone that takes things just a tad too seriously.

The number of people who COMPLETELY understand me, inside and out, can be counted with the 10 fingers on my hands. Which is probably why I've learned to withhold personal, theological, or deeply spiritual matters from most people. So I suppose you could say that I'm not being 100% myself 100% of the time. And that's where we get back to the fact that people don't understand me.

If I can be completely honest with you I feel most misunderstood at my school. I go to a Christian school, but even in the midst of the Christian atmosphere I still feel like I'm on a completely different page spiritually.

• Why at my Christian school is the bible looked on as "boring"

• Why at my Christian school is Worship Team close to the bottom of the priority list

• Why at my Christian school is prayer group considered totally lame, and why are we praying in a room at the back corner hidden away from the rest of the school?

• Why at my Christian school is Youth Group the last place you want to spend your time?

• Why at my Christian school do people dislike Church?

• Why is Harry Potter OK, but The Left Behind Series is not?

• Why at my Christian school was "See you at the pole" not even planned while other Public schools in the G.T.A. have been getting their Christian students together for some serious praying?

These are basically just some questions I have because I am totally confused sometimes.

"Draw Near" - John Reuban

when all vanishes and I stand in this place to face the truth for what it is/
with no human escape to hide behind just my soul 'n God and I find it mind blowing knowing that humanity and a mere mortal like me/
can have my slate cleaned of mistakes and the chance to put on immortality/
even though darkness has hardened us in deception and spoken otherwise/
man I refuse to take in that nonsense and I refuse to buy into these lies/
these lies of pain, these lies of shame, these lies of complete dysfunction/
this lie of hopelessness that will make a person feel like they're nothin'/
this lie that will make me feel like my struggle is one too much to fix'n/
isn't that what darkness wants for me? to play the role of a victim?/
but I'm a child of light no longer bound by slavery/
I say oh death where is your sting/
and oh hades where is your victory?

Maybe it's just me, but I find it incredibly hard to believe something when I don't know the reason for believing it. When a student doesn't understand something in school, does that student just sit there mindlessly and accept what's being taught without questioning it? No, the student is going to say "Sir, Maam, I don't understand that! Please explain it to me."

I think that this should also be the case when it comes to faith. How can one believe in God and not know why they believe in God? How can one follow rules without knowing why those rules are kept, and what the reasoning behind it is?

I think its natural, and in fact essential for everybody to question what they believe at one point in time. By this, I do not mean at all that one should turn their back on what they believe, but there comes a time in everybody's life where they have to own their faith and their beliefs. No longer is it the parent's or friend's responsibility, no it is the sole responsibility of yourself to believe what you believe.

Sometimes I feel like we're brainwashed in the church to do things a certain way, and follow certain rules that nobody knows the meaning of. Sure rules are good, but only if you know the sole purpose of them. And if you don't know the purpose of them, then question, ask, but don't just stand by and accept it.

It must get awfully boring having a faith that isn't personal, and tangible. God longs to have personal relationship with us. One shouldn't follow rules simply because "that's the way its always been done" but because it brings us closer to God.

Following mindless rules without knowing the reasoning behind them is NOT the point of FAITH. Sometimes rules change.

God wants real relationship with you. Remember that first. For that is the real point.

Something worth waiting for

Becoming Jane

*This may spoil the movie for those of you who haven't seen it and still want to*

So today felt like the perfect movie day. It's a cool, fall, Saturday afternoon and so my mom and I headed out to see the latest romantic drama "Becoming Jane". It was this movie that made me contemplate the saying "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before." Is it true, or would it really be better to spare yourself the heartache? I don't know if I could have done it, if I could have been so noble as to put Tom (Jane's lover) and his family over my love for him. Could I walk away like she had?

I guess it makes me thankful to live in the present. In these days, when you love someone, you marry them. You don't have to be rich, or in the right family in order to be successful. In those days you were born into success. You couldn't work yourself up, and there was no middle ground. So what of poverty stricken couples in love? Is tragedy all that was ever to become of their relationships?

Jane never married again, and neither did her sister. I think the actors did a wonderful job of showing the desire for companionship in the other. Especially when meeting again. There was that air of regret, of what could have been, but never would have been.

The perfect way to describe "Becoming Jane" would be "Tragically Romantic"

I am totally and completely exhausted. I've had basketball practice after school now for two days in a row. On top of that I guess it's just homework, and learning, and seeing everyone again that is making me so tired. And possibly getting up at 6:50 every morning. But I'm rambling. It's hard getting back into the swing of things, but it feels good at the same time. It feels like every day I get one step closer to accomplishing so many goals that I've set for myself this year. Every day contributes, and every minute of hard work will pay off in the end. I guess I'm being overly optimistic, but that's a good thing right? Don't rain on my parade. Anyways, I'm doing pretty good, in spite of being tired.

Enough of Code, let's be real.
Don't read between the lines.
This time I will not fail.

I wasn't going to post anything today, but I checked out my "People visiting my blog" map and found another red dot had appeared on it. So it encouraged me.

Today at School felt like I was finally get the hang of things again. Sure, I miss the summer, but life goes on. I made a promise to myself after Germany to enjoy life day by day. I find that if you don't, then you end up missing out on other cool experiences that come across your path because you're too busy wishing to be in another place at another time.

Anyways, today was a good day. I got a long, good, sleep last night. I understood the lesson in Gr. 11 U math. I made scones to accompany the jam that my good friend brought me from her vacation in England, and I finished reading a good book. Now, some of you may not think that that is anything spectacular, but I'd classify it as a good day.

Gr. 11. It's crazy that I'm already in Gr. 11 because I can still remember my first day of Gr. 9. Getting on the Bus, and thinking I was so cool. To think that I'm a Senior student already (Sophomore if you're reading from the states), is just crazy. Time goes so fast.

I've figured out that this year will be a good year if I want it to be. People don't realize that attitude and being positive has SO much to do with how your day turns out. Honestly it does. Let's see what God's gonna do in my life this year.

Kirstyn

Drama

What is it with the excessive amounts of drama in teenage life these days? Now, I don't mean drama as in putting on a play, or memorizing lines, I'm talking about full out soap opera. Do we not have enough to deal with already? I mean, between dealing with homework, friends, sports, and other extra curricular activities is there really any more space and time for somebody else to lump their problems onto your already busy life? I think not. My life is void of this so called "drama" and honestly, that makes me pretty darn happy.

Sluggish

I feel so sluggish today. It's one of those days where you have nothing to do, and even when you feel like you do have something to do, you don't want to do it. The hours tick by slowly, and you normally just end up with the TV turned on, watching pointless half an hour sitcoms waiting for something interesting to happen. It's incredibly lazy, and incredibly laid back. I don't like it.

Maybe it's because school is starting tomorrow. I can't seem to get over the fact that the summer went by pretty darn fast. I guess I don't really know what to expect from this year. I'm trying to get excited, but honestly right now I'm just not. This last day of summer vacation is always like this. You're on the in-between. You realize summer is coming to a close, and that a new chapter is starting in your life. Is it good, is it bad? You just simply don't know.

Normally I'm excited by this time. I'm ready to start school again, I'm ready for new things that are going to come my way. But this year I just don't feel it. I'm just not getting into the of anticipation and eagerness that comes when September starts. Oh well, I'll let you know how I'm doing.

Kirstyn

Flying = Freedom = Real

Standing at the top of a castle
Learning a new language
Painting your nails black
Watching the waves on a beach at sundown
Dancing even when you know you can't
Learning how to drive
Meeting new friends
Crying
Doodling
Saying Goodbye

These things all have something in common for me.

Truth

What is truth? I've figured out that you can know the meaning of truth without actually even knowing any real truth. There comes a time in everyone's life where they need to figure out what they believe. Not what their parents believe, not what they've been taught to believe, but what is real and true for them. I'm at that point in my life right now.

I'm not into fake. I'm not into make believe. I'm into real. I'm into truth. I'm into life. Sometimes life is always about hype. It's about getting our next high. Whether that be a high on Jesus, or on some other worldly thing, is not really the point. The point is that hype doesn't last. It feels good, but not for long.

I realized that I can't base my relationship with Christ on hype. Because although I know its real, and I know its true, I also know its hard to make it last. We go through life on spiritual highs and spiritual lows. And when we get to a low point in our lives its very hard to hold onto the hype that we had after a convention, or a conference, or some other youth event. But instead if we have real truth. The truth that comes from God, that comes from what you've experienced to be real through him, then with that truth you can get through anything.

There's so much crap in this world that everyone just automatically takes as real and as true, and I'm so tired of it because it doesn't help me, it doesn't make me feel satisfied. That's why I'm on a quest for truth. I figure I'll be on this quest for some time now, and it might not ever end. But when I know that there is real truth out there, and when I've experienced God I know that slowly I'll be able to find it.

I'm done settling for something that's not real.
K

How do you describe it when you miss someone?
For me I'd describe it as a hole right in my heart. I want to fill it with that person or people that I miss, but all I have are memories. The better the memories, the harder it is.
I never knew what truly missing someone meant until this summer. Until I went to Germany.
You know what I heard today? I heard someone say that saying goodbye is hard because it makes the situation real. No longer is it just some distant thing that will eventually come, but its present. It's now. And all there is to do is accept that fact. To say goodbye.

But if there wasn't a Goodbye, there would never be a Hello either. If there weren't Hellos and Goodbyes would life even be life? I don't think so.

I'm doing alright. Life.

Prayer

Nothing can compare to the way I feel in your presence.
Nothing is better than who you are and what you've done in my life.
I want to lift up my head and look straight into your eyes.
I want to reach out my arms and let you carry me.
I need to be renewed.
I need to hear your voice.
I need you to love me, I need you to be active and present in my life.
Help me. Help me to leave everything in your hands. Help me not to worry about tomorrow, knowing that your plan is better than mine.
Take me away. Take me away with you.
Holy, Holy, Holy.
Worthy to be praised.
Who was and Is, and Is to come.
I love you.

O How Wonderful

You love me
I love you
You love me, God

Getting back into the hang of things

I'm sorry for not writing for a few days. I'm still getting used to being in Canada again. I guess now that I'm back here I don't have as much to write about anymore. It's not like its as exciting as being in Europe. But I truly hope that my family, and the others of you that have been reading my blog will still check this site out every once in a while.

Life is a lot easier now that I can understand everything around me. I guess I didn't realize how hard I had been working to understand German until I came home and realized that I can speak without thinking about it first haha

However, I've been using my German/English dictionary these past few days. In other words, I've still been learning a lot. I plan on keeping it up, and I hope I'll be able too. I just need someone to keep me accountable. I think that won't be that hard though because I'm emailing my cousins in Germany.... In German. Hehe cool. And they respond in English so it's practice for all of us.

I'll be at Family Camp next week, all week. I'm pretty excited.

So yea, There's really not much more to tell. My adventures for now are at a minimum, they'll kick into over-drive again sometime soon. I'm sure of it.

Kirstyn

Goodbye

So, it's here, my last night in Deutschland. I had an amazing last weekend. My cousins Björn and Dennis came over and stayed for the weekend and we had so much fun. We went to Switzerland on Saturday and saw some mountains (but the weather was bad, so we didn't get to see that much.) but it was still fun. I ate Cheese fondue for the first time. Then this morning I made pancakes, and we had an American breakfast haha. It was a hit. We did some more sight-seeing today and just talked and enjoyed eachother's company.

I've learned a lot about myself this past month. I can't really place my finger on everything yet, because I'm still trying to figure out just how significant my time here has been. But even without knowing what in me has changed, I know something has. I hope you understand what I mean.

I've definately seen another side of me, a side that can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could. A side that sees that I am beautifully and wonderfully made in God's image. A side that loves adventure, trying new things, stepping out of my comfort zone. A side of me that realizes that things change, views change, feelings change. A side of me that knows that I can't go anywhere in this world where God won't follow me, protect me, hear me, and love me.

So, I had to say Goodbye again tonight to my cousins, and it was really hard. I won't lie. But, Goodbyes are part of life, they just happen. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot make time stop, nor should I want it to. Instead I should take each day for what it is. I should enjoy it to the best of my ability. And when it comes to an end, instead of being sad about saying goodbye, I should be ecstatic because I made another adventure, another experience, another memory.

So for the last time, ich bin die Kirstyn in Deutschland.

Ciao

My last day with the kids

So, today was my last day in the Kindergarten. It's really been a good experience, and they all helped me with my german a ton. The kids and Gabi put together a little going away obstacle course for me today. The blindfolded me, and brought me into the little gym they have in the kindergarten. When I walked in all the kids were singing a song that they had learned for Sommerfest (the end of year celebration they had last Saturday). Then after they had finished singing, Dominic (one of the little boys) took me by the hand and started leading me through the room telling me to lean down every once and a while and feel a 'present' that was on the ground. There were about 5 different little presents that I got for going away. Every time I would reach a new one I had to feel it and then guess what it was. The last gift was a photo album. The first page had a picture of all of us that Gabi had taken in the woods. After that the book contains little drawings and pictures that all the kids made for me that day. I few of them have airplanes, and me. It was really nice. I'm going to miss those kids.

Anyways that's all for now

K

Schwimmbad

Heute war Schwimmbad tag mit die kinde. (Or in other words, today was the day that we took all of the kids from the kindergarten to the Swimming pool.)
It was actually very nice. At first my goal was to not get my hair wet, because I didn't really feel like it, but that didn't work out so well. Leon, and Samuel were chasing me around the shallow end haha, grabbing onto me. Then Leon started splashing me, and then I just gave up and dove under the water. Felt good. This week, my last week, we are finally getting some nice weather. Tomorrow we might have a bit of rain, but other than that its going to be warm and sunny.

I've started to tell the kids at the kindergarten that this is my last week. I keep on telling them 'Ich gehe nach Canada Montag' It's actually pretty sad, but their summer vacation starts in a week and a half anyways. I just thought it would be smart to warn them in advance instead of showing up this Friday and saying... this is my last day! Not a good idea. Anyways, they really are a great group of kids.

Today Gabi and I took a trip to Basel, Switzerland. It's about 20 minutes from Fischingen or so. I ended up buying my first piece of clothing. I've bought many other small things during my stay here, but never clothes before, so that's cool. Not that you guys really care about that haha.

Basel is really gorgeous. The Rein river goes through the city, and we took a ferry across the river, just because it was fun to do. We had an Eis, and some Apfelsaft (Ice cream, Apple Juice) We did some walking walking, talking, taking pictures lol. It was quite enjoyable.

The plan for the rest of the week is going to Freiburg once more, probably making one more trip to Basel, and maybe Lörrach again. Then this weekend we plan on going to Switzerland to see some mountains (the Alps). It's going to be a good last week :)

Ciao

Kirstyn

Family

If there's one thing I've learned in Deutschland it is definately the importance of Family. This trip has made me realize that my family goes way beyond the nation of Canada. In fact it reaches all the way across the Atlantic ocean to the wonderful country of Deutschland.

I have met so many new family members during my time here in Deutschland, and even though it may only be my first or second time meeting them, I already feel like part of the family. My family in Deutschland is a nice, generous, beautiful, amazing group of people and I already love them SO much. I know I've met amazing people when I feel like I've known them forever after saying my first hello.

Arthur's party was beautiful today. I felt completely at home. I laughed, I talked, I ate, I sang, I cried.

You know that saying 'It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all'? Well today that saying actually has real meaning to me. Even though I will miss all of my family greatly, I would not trade the experience for anything in this world. It was better to have met you all, and miss you know, then to never have known you at all.

So, my tears are over for now, but the memories are going to last a lifetime. And that, my friends, is priceless. I owe it all to my family here in Deutschland who I've known only for a short time, but already love to bits :)

This post is for everyone of my relatives here in Deustchland. May God bless you abundantly, for I will never forget how you have blessed me.

'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11

I love you guys.

Kirstyn

So, I have some MAJOR catching up to do! Man, so much has happened in the last 3 days.

Freiburg on thursday was So much fun. It was just Gabi and me that went, and we had a blast! The cool thing about Freiburg is the fact that they have these little gutters with flowing water in them on the sides of all the streets. I had to be very careful not to step in one. Gabi and I did some major shopping, got some cool stuff. We stopped for an Eis (ice cream) and we did a lot of walking. It really was schöne. We will probably go back next week which I am excited about.

Yesterday I took the train to Ravensburg to meet my cousin Helen. It was my first time taking the train and I thought it a cool experience. I met up with Helen in Ravensburg and tagged along with her to one of her University lecture. It was only an hour though so that was fine. After that, we met up with Angela (one of Helen's friends), had some lunch, and did some walking in the old city of Ravensburg.

Then in the evening we went to the 'Kino' which is the what we call the movie theatre. Helen and I saw Shrek 3 in german haha. It was cool because I had already seen it in English so I was able to follow along, and even laugh in some parts.

Today Helen and I had a very busy day. This morning we climbed a mountain near her house. It wasn't a huge mountain, maybe 25 minutes to climb. But the view was very spectacular. After that we made our way to a castle. My first castle in germany!! It was töll. I loved it. We then made our way to Tübingen, another small town near Helen's parents place and walked around there. There was a cool circus that some young people had put on. Very good actually. Tonight we are having a BBQ with some of Helen's friends and tomorrow is Arthurs party. So... I'll write more later, I really should get going :)

Love to all who read my blog. Miss you!
K

I have nothing else to do at the moment, so I thought I'd post something considering the fact that there are actually people reading my blog this time. Woot.

Anyways, I'm starting to forget the fact that it really is summer because it has been SO cold here this past week. It's warming up this weekend, and it's supposed to be sunny, but today It felt like late fall. No joke.

Yesterday Gabi and I went shopping in France. That sounds extravagant, I know, but Gabi and Henry live about 15 minutes from the border of France and Gabi knew this little place we could go so we did. I didn't end up buying anything because the stuff that I liked ended up being to expensive (figures). Lol, but It was still a lot of fun. I love listening to the French Language. One thing I've realized however, is the fact that after spending a few weeks trying to fill my mind with German, German, German It feels like the space of my brain that contains all of that French vocabulary has dissapeared. I can slowly remember stuff if I really concentrate on it, but It's really hard to speak french after juggling English and German. Haha, oh well. This week has been pretty good as far as me speaking German, well except for today. Don't really know why that is, but maybe because I'm tired.

This afternoon Gabi, Henry and I are driving to Freiburg for the evening. That is about an hour from where they live. We'll do some shopping, some eating, some walking, and some cafe trinken. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow morning I'm taking a train (my myself) to stay with Helen (one of my relatives/cousins) for the weekend. We'll probably visit the other cousins as well or whatever. But I already know that it is going to be a very busy weekend. I'm really excited.

Anyways, pray for good weather for me bitte.

Tschüs

Kirstyn

All of the red dots on my 'People visiting my blog' map are multiplying like crazy. Granted most of them are family members that are reading this little journal of mine, but it still makes me special! So keep reading, and keep commenting.

The kindergarten was tiring today haha, but still good. Gabi tells me that on the days I stay home, the little guys ask where I was. So cute. Today we went to this Dinosaur park outside. It was raining, again, but whatever. I've gotten used to it. The strange thing about the dinosaur park was the fact that I only saw one fake dinosaur, no others, just flowers and trees and grass and ducks in a pond. It was quite confusing, almost seemed like a contradiction. Thankfully, we didn't pay to get in.

There is one girl in the group that I help Gabi with named Lisa. She has this little school girl crush on this other little boy named Marcel. It's so cute because Marcel tries to avoid Lisa like she is the plague, but Lisa is bigger than Marcel, and I would not be surprised if she was stronger too so that doesn't work out so good. At the end of the day today Lisa was hanging around Marcel again by the stairs and then I heard it. The question. 'Bist Du mein Freund Marcel?' haha, which translated into English is pretty much asking him if they were a couple. Marcel then proceeded to yell 'Nein!' and run down the stairs. It was cute.

Well, that's all for now.

Kirstyn

So, I'd say it's definately time for another post. I decided to take it easy today. Stay home and upload pictures, write a blog, read my book, write letters etc etc.
I had the best weekend ever in Italy these past 3 days. I saw the most amazing, beautiful, spectacular views I have ever seen in my entire life. Gabi, Henry and I left around 4 p.m. this past Friday evening for Italy. It was about a 6 hour drive or so, and all I did the whole time was look out the window. Most of the trip was driving through Switzerland and it was breath-taking. I have never seen such a sight. The mountains went on for hours, each one different, yet each one just as gorgeous. If there's anything that prooves that there is a God, its those mountains.

Once we arrived in Italy late Friday night we met up with Eva, and Hans-Martin (Henry and Gabi's friends that we were staying with) They took us to this amazing restaurant. It was around 11p.m. and all that was open was the Pizza oven, and so we ate Pizza. It was so good. After our meal we went for a walk in the old city of Bergamo, Italy. It was beautiful. It might have been late, but I'm convinced that nobody sleeps on a Friday night in Italy because everybody was still walking around and partying. The one thing I loved about Italy was that it lived up to all the Stereotypes that people have given it over the years. When somebody says Italy I automatically picture Hot Italian boys riding vespa's on small winding streets, and people going out to eat Pizza and drink espresso. Well, the crazy thing is that all of that is true. It's exactly the same. It wonderfully the same. I must have seen a million vespas. It was amazing.

Henry and Gabi's friends rented this little cabin in Bergamo for the weekend so that is where we stayed. Although the cabin wasn't anything overly special the view from the Terace was spectacular. The view was of a big lake surrounded by mountains. Both mornings we put on our bathing suits and made our way down to the lake. There was a small dock that you could jump off of. The water was perfect, and it was so amazing to swim in such a peaceful, beautiful, open place.
On Saturday we left Bergamo and drove to Venice. We then took a train to get to the old city. It's everything you imagine it to be. A city on water. There are no cars because there are no streets. Therefore you get around the city by boat, or by Gondola, or by Ferry. It was very beautiful in Venice. It holds so much character and history.

The last day we spent on Monte Island which was the Island we could see from our view on the Terace. We had to take a Ferry to cross the lake, and then once on the Island we rented some bicycles and rode around the Island. That was quite exciting except for the fact that Henry, Gabi, Eva, and Hans-Martin rode very slow haha, but it was all good.

God is revealing himself to more and more everytime I see something for the first time. It's trips like this where you need to take the time to reflect.
Anyways, that's all for now. Check out my pictures on Facebook, if you have Facebook that is.

Kirstyn