I've got too much to do to have a life.

So what I say.
So what to you.
So what to rules.

Never mind to transition years.
To busy life.
To midnight hours.

To floating by
through the minutes,
through the days,

With nothing to distinguish them,

You say we are caught up.
In grades.
In school.

But who was it that conditioned us to be this way?
It was you.
As the work gets harder.
It was you.
And so we work,
and days blend together,
But can you blame us?

I think not.

I am (bah. bah. da. bap. *) feeling better!!

* Just a little song I'm singing in my head :)

I finished reading Pride and Prejudice today. Then I watched the movie. Sometimes they quote Jane Austen directly, other times they cut out immense parts of the book for lack of time. And still other times they add in scenes simply for romantic interest. My favourite scene is the very last one for sure. And it's not even in the book.

Feeling sick must go hand in hand with feeling unattractive.
I am utterly exhausted and wanting very much to feel better.
I had to cancel plans today that were a long time coming just because of this stupid cold.

It's funny to think that I won't 'belong' until I'm older.
But that's what my reality is, or at least it feels that way.
I go to a young adults church, of which I am probably the youngest. By a few years.
I've been going for a year now.
Is it wrong to say that I still feel like I don't belong?

Everyone's been talking about 'the church' and the 'body of Christ' lately. How important it is. How great it is. How passionate God is about it.
And yea, church is great. The worship is good. The message is good. ButI feel that there is a disconnect between fellowship and me.

What I picture when I think about the 'body of Christ' is intense fellowship with other believers that build you up, encourage you, share their heart with you, have time for you, and genuinely want to form friendship with you. I guess that I haven't been finding much of that at church. I thought I had found it, but somehow I don't think that anymore.

I'm just confused. What do you have to do to belong to a church? I've tried it at least 5 times. My dad is a pastor. About 9 years ago he started a church. We have church in my basement with about 20 other people every Sunday. It's a great congregation, but there is no youth group. So I've spent the last years going to different churches to find a youth group. I've found one, finally. But let me tell you that it is not easy to go into a church where nobody knows you and just join a program there. It takes hard work to develop friendships. And sometimes nothing ever comes of it. Sometimes you just don't connect with anybody.

I'm really wondering why that is. We seem to have worship down. We seem to know how to say all the right words during the message. But nobody, including me, wants to venture out and make new friends at church. It's easier to stick with the people we've known since we were born. Well, I've never had a lifelong church like that before. And sometimes I get really tired of trying so hard to belong. Sure I meet Jesus at church. Sure I can sense his presence. But I'm still not sure, after a year of going to this new young adults church if I've met one person that I could phone up during the week and say, "Hey, what are you up to? How's life? Let's get together and chat."

I think it's because I'm only 17.
Are my expectations too high?

I'm tired.

K

People say you shouldn't put on appearances.
People say.
People do?